My Swan Song – “365 and still alive”

Like death and taxes, when it comes to goals there is a certain inevitability to them. However, unlike dying and taxation, with goals you have the generous 3 alternative outcomes rather than just one. The first of course is to complete the goal as originally established; the second is to abandon the goal altogether; and the final option, most often exercised, is simply to change the goal to a different, more achievable challenge.

While I will continue to try every year to NOT pay more taxes, I think in the end, it will be far easier to squeeze out another gasp or two of life’s last breath than avoid the tax-collector’s deeply dark, and linty pockets. So it is only fair that if I set a real, DEFINED goal, no matter how insignificant, I should do everything in my power to achieve it right – but then what?

So it is with genuine mixed emotions, I can report that as of today I have completed my bloggy goal. Back in March I promised myself to write 365 blogposts as quickly as I could. For five months straight I wrote close to 23,000 words per month and over 11,000 words during both August and September. It has been a fun challenge to write mirthfully to a daily deadline regardless of mood, interest, and other priorities. Despite that fact, it has also been an incredible amount of work too, and it is time for a change.

So unlike politicians and tenured teachers, before I get truly redundant and entrenched in routine, it is time to wander around the bend and conquer new meaningless goals and personal challenges. Oh sure I will check in from time to time on my blog friends and comment where necessary. I will also continue to randomly write a post or two when I stumble upon life’s glaring absurdities begging for goofy insights and wordplay.

So rather than this being the Pajama Monoblog’s ‘swan song’, I encourage you to treat this ‘auditory assault’ as simply my silver swan’s celebratory bugle and hiss of FREEDOM. Check the archives once in awhile if you need a ‘tickle-fix’ and of course stay in touch. Thank you all and remember … when our goals cross paths again in the future – I’ll be sure to HONK!

Vampires say - ‘Hold the Mayo Clinic’

Am I the only one that hates the ‘Mayo Clinic’ as a name? I never quite get the association between superior quality medical care and high-fat deli spreads. This is supposed to be one of the best medical think tanks in the entire country but whenever I hear references to the Mayo clinic I only THINK of bologna.

I kind of have this same problem with another medical heavyweight entity named ‘Johns Hopkins’. Shouldn’t this place be associated with ‘Hopscotch’ or drive-thru porti potties rather than quality medical care? What would be really terrific if these institutions ever merged into “John Mayo” – now that is a company that could revolutionize the public toilet seat covering industry! If nothing else it would finally explain the age old mystery why restrooms so often smell like rotten eggs.

I know I should not get all hung up on names and try to be more flexible and open to change. I should probably just quietly drink the Kool-aid and join the modern generation where anything and everything goes. After all who cares what a name implies as long as the end result is quality goods or services. It’s just when it comes to hospitals, toilets, and food, these are the mysteries in life that I really want to know what I am getting BEFORE I venture beyond the swinging door.

Anyway who am I to judge, maybe good food and hospitals have gotten a bad rap all of these years? Apparently a group of alcohol pad-sucking Latvian doctors must think so, as they have now even taken high-class gourmet hospital cuisine to whole new level. Honestly, I think even those Transylvania vampires, 500 miles to the south of Latvia, are too chicken to sink their teeth into the ‘Sweeney Todd-esque’ kidney pie or blood sausage. No, like ALF, I think modern vamps prefer a big ol’ bowl of ‘CAT scan’ but of course - don’t forget to hold the Mayo!

The pleasures of flying

I always love flying commercial airlines these days. Where else do people willingly line up and give away their money to be abused. I mean who wouldn’t want to open up your wallet so you could breathe bad air, drink watered-down soda and commune with sweaty hefty folks and babies with diapers set to ‘Stun’. If I was a little smarter, I think it’s probably better to go lay my face on a hot stove and STILL suffer less pain.

First they grab as much of your cash as possible for a ticket – and what do you get? At least in the old days, you used to get a piece of cool RED carbon paper and an index card for your 300 bucks. Now, I basically get an e-mail with a number on it and hope the airline won’t go broke before my flight date. Next when I get to the airport I get the pleasure of ‘UNDRESSING’ again since I obviously did not get it right the first time? Yeah, the belt comes off, the pockets get emptied, and the shoes are removed. More often than not, I am greeted with a part of my foot sticking out of a holey sock and my first thought after embarrassment is ‘DARN’ that sock.

Next boarding is always a blast. I think only cows and lemmings are better at lining up for the ultimate slaughter as compared to the airline flying public. Now between senior citizens, stroller babies, military, first class, executive platinum, & priority access PRE-BOARDING, there are about 7 or 8 people left like me who load the plane last. Of course since everyone has been de-incentivized to store baggage where it belongs in the baggage compartment, there is rarely space left for my one lonely bag much less my girth.

Who was the bright bulb who thought it was MORE efficient to encourage 200 people to carry all of their worldly possessions in bloated backpacks and oversized carry-ons in the passenger cabin? I admit however, it takes ‘guts’ for a struggling enterprise which is constantly behind schedule, lethargic, and having difficulty improving customer service, to continue doing their jobs as POORLY as possible. Gee I really am out of touch – I thought that was the job of the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT!

PDA – Public Display of ART

Prologue: Thanks are once again in order to Raker for holding down the 'fort' in my absence.I think some of Raker's incapable ancestors filled in at the Alamo (where I was hiding this week) awhile back and look how THAT turned out. I guess then I should consider myself lucky, as the blog does not seem to be broken or worse for the wear. Now that I'm back however, I intend to FIX that problem and screw up this blog once and for all! So on with today's topic ...


Though I really do love quality art and creative and interesting uses of materials, I am actually not a big fan of public displays of art OR affection. What will really turn me off, is if you are kissing on top of a public art display. Even for an open-minded person, that is just too much to stand … so being closed-minded myself, I often will SIT and watch.

Now don’t get me wrong, on occasion like most folks, I enjoy a stroll through a park or city plaza to visit my tax money strewn on the lawn. In many towns, that is where they invest any extra revenue to buy some kind of BIG abstract public art piece. I want to like these ‘so-called’ sculptures, but most of the time I do not think they are ‘THAT’ meaningful or unique. Apparently I am not the only one who feels that way given the special kind of ‘art’ that the birds and squirrels do on top of the public works too.

Most of the problem is that I am jealous of all forms of PDA. I always believe in my heart, that I probably could make better artwork for less money or even ‘kiss’ better for hardly any money at all. The secret for these big-shot artists is that they simply make their stuff really, really HUGE and that is supposed to impress the taxpayers of its significance. If I had a forklift, crane, and random collection of materials, could I throw that stuff out on the lawn and impress people too? Where I come from that is called ‘Trash Day’!

If people are so impressed by big concrete, metal, and glass edifices, why don’t they just go stare at downtown buildings and fall in love with them for their artful significance. Unlike typical public art, those structures are highly interactive, and at least serve some purpose by (usually) keeping the rain off the people are inside. Unless really freaky, most public displays of art and affection don’t encourage people to climb all over them. So as a taxpayer, I have to ask – other than photos, what enlightenment am I really getting for all those public art displays? It can’t be culture, because I still seem to scratch n’ sniff in all the wrong places regardless what I’m looking at. Hmmm, I guess I should learn from those birds and squirrels – when it comes to PDA, they seem to have the right idea after all?

LINCOLN’S MOTHER’S DOCTOR’S DOG

That title might sound silly to you. If so, you’re right. But I’ll explain the brilliant reasoning behind it: Several years ago I read about a survey of American reading habits. It said the four topics that would attract the most American readers were “Lincoln, Mothers, Doctors, and Dogs." Gee, we must have been straight-laced back then! Now it would probably be more slanted to movie and sports stars plus debt and taxes. Dogs still might make the list. Even in supposedly tough times I see more people with two or more dogs, most stopping to leave tributes on my lawn. I don’t mind the lawn-defiling so much, but scraping my lawnmower tire treads could make a dirty stick my Man’s Best Friend!

Now since lots of writers read blogs, let’s think about this: How many times do we find titles that give us FOUR chances to write a Best Seller? So why not use that title, just as-is, (or as-was) and write your own version of Lincoln’s Mother’s Doctor’s Dog? Most people don’t even know much about his mother, and less about his doctor and nothing about any dog he might have had. Or the stick he used to. . . well, you know. And we will ALL know all those people and dogs when you enlighten us with your tale. No fear of perjury, as titles are not copyrightable, unless you’re usurping a famous one and trying to pass off “Gone With the Wind” as your own.

I’ve already messed with the “Dog” part, which I hope will get you started ‘scraping up stuff’ for the three human subjects. Anything you might find that Lincoln said or did should likely come next. His mother and doctor are harder, so I leave that up to you. I do see a framework for a soap-opera plot there, because what mother isn’t attracted to doctors? Even if no more scandalous than only for their sons to become or their daughters to marry.

It is easy to find quotes from famous folk, whether they said them or not. Yogi Berra must be continually surprised when he reads brand new made-up quotes that sound like his “Poils of Wisdumb.” Will Rogers’ zingers could fill books, and does so. But Rogers made his living being a ‘communicator,’ while so many “great names” rarely said much worth archiving. Henry Ford’s statement that fascinates me the most was one he took a lot of guff about: “History is Bunk!” If you’ve ever read a news story of something you saw or experienced you will likely agree with him. I’ve found at least a name or a place spelled wrong, or a typo error in most events I witnessed -- and where the reporter didn’t seem to have been there! Now compare the new (and more expensive) copy of a high school or college history text. See how so many “facts” and heroes have changed to meet the new more trendy viewpoints of what academia wants kids to believe NOW, instead of “last year’s slant.”

But wait! Re-thinking the Henry Ford quote about History - - If it really IS bunk, then maybe he never said that! I am “History” myself! I am “Raker.” Welcome back, Willie!