When I was a kid only stuff that you knew what it was made
of like Fido-food and Spam in a can came with pull tab tops. Even then the Spam
required a KEY to unfurl its gastrointestinal goodness, whereas I could eat the
dog food directly from the container. Now, it seems that most everything destined
to pack in-between my portly pants and paltry pantry should start a productive
life with some kind of easy zip, ring,
or pop of a tinny top.
So then who’s the genius who decided to put a submarine-strength
gasket on my refrigerator door which requires a pry bar to open and a screw gun
to close? I’m tired of trying every morning to figure out which way to untwist
the bread bag or how to crack-up a humorless egg at the crack of dawn. In this
day and age of technology and consumer bliss, why can’t my fridge full of
chickens just squirt scrambled eggs directly on my plate without all the hassle
of that shell, carton and other time-wasting middlemen?
Also we need to let the aspirin folks know that those ‘child
proof’ caps are really a misnomer and should actually be described as ‘Doctor-proof‘
instead, since to open one you need a lot of PATIENCE and a PHD. I don’t think
I need to be laid ‘BAYER’ by drug companies and suffer a daily reminder that I
am both an IMPATIENT and moronic CHILD, so I simply smash the vials and
transfer the meds to a more kid-friendly dispenser. Yes there is nothing quite
like the joy of quickly jerking back the head of an obnoxious movie star or
two-faced politician, to disgorge pain relief from a PEZ-pen topped-off with
Tylenol.
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