As someone who can attest to the virtues of being both
double-stuffed and sickening sweet at the same time, you might think that goo-filled
food-fun is a big part of my life. While on occasion I’ll munch on a hillbilly brunch
featuring the fragrant siren’s song of Pop Tarts, pizza rolls, Rolaids and Mountain
Dew, it is not my regular routine. As a rule, especially when eating, whales of
my ilk don’t like surprises so naturally I flee from cream-filled krill that squirt
up my snout like jelly-filled pastries , cold pies, or candies with concealed
liquid centers.
Sure sugar is sugar so I should look forward to titillating my
teeth with a few shots of Pop Rocks or plunging my prow into a donut pumped up on
puddin’ but that’s not the case. I despise most pastries that have the telltale
signs of a powder coating and a diminutive yet wet singular orifice poked in the
side. Even Twinkies and Ding Dongs barely make the cut but at least their ‘entry
wounds’ are underneath so I don’t have to re-live the thought of them succumbing
to a gruesome duff-stuffing.
I seem to do a bit better with hot pot pies, or warmer foods
roughed up and puffed but I am still not a fan of un-spooling a gavage to top
off a turkey with bread crumbs or plump up the liver of a goose. Heck, I even
shy away from canoodling my car’s tank with one of those long n’ greasy, nasty gas
nozzle umbilicals, because everyone knows that the ‘E’ on the gauge means ‘ENOUGH’
still to get you there. Yeah, though
I take up a lot of space, it’s clear I’ll never work there because black holes, the unknown, and I aren’t friends and don’t
get along - plus like most sane people I don’t like vacuums.
I think the REAL problem is that I already have enough
trouble keeping my kisser clean without the added worry of secretly squeezed food
doo, and mixed moo-goo too from frappe’ filled-foods covering my mug. Please
don’t look at me, give me the finger
bowl, or pass the napkins since eruptions of this order can only call for a
true industrial strength cleaner. Believe
me I KNOW - as unappetizing as it is for others to witness, to get the stuck
gunk off completely, it’s a lot worse for me to LICK this!
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