Spit Shine

As someone who can attest to the virtues of being both double-stuffed and sickening sweet at the same time, you might think that goo-filled food-fun is a big part of my life. While on occasion I’ll munch on a hillbilly brunch featuring the fragrant siren’s song of Pop Tarts, pizza rolls, Rolaids and Mountain Dew, it is not my regular routine. As a rule, especially when eating, whales of my ilk don’t like surprises so naturally I flee from cream-filled krill that squirt up my snout like jelly-filled pastries , cold pies, or candies with concealed liquid centers.

Sure sugar is sugar so I should look forward to titillating my teeth with a few shots of Pop Rocks or plunging my prow into a donut pumped up on puddin’ but that’s not the case. I despise most pastries that have the telltale signs of a powder coating and a diminutive yet wet singular orifice poked in the side. Even Twinkies and Ding Dongs barely make the cut but at least their ‘entry wounds’ are underneath so I don’t have to re-live the thought of them succumbing to a gruesome duff-stuffing.

I seem to do a bit better with hot pot pies, or warmer foods roughed up and puffed but I am still not a fan of un-spooling a gavage to top off a turkey with bread crumbs or plump up the liver of a goose. Heck, I even shy away from canoodling my car’s tank with one of those long n’ greasy, nasty gas nozzle umbilicals, because everyone knows that the ‘E’ on the gauge means ‘ENOUGH’ still to get you there. Yeah, though I take up a lot of space, it’s clear I’ll never work there because black holes, the unknown, and I aren’t friends and don’t get along - plus like most sane people I don’t like vacuums.

I think the REAL problem is that I already have enough trouble keeping my kisser clean without the added worry of secretly squeezed food doo, and mixed moo-goo too from frappe’ filled-foods covering my mug. Please don’t look at me, give me the finger bowl, or pass the napkins since eruptions of this order can only call for a true industrial strength cleaner.  Believe me I KNOW - as unappetizing as it is for others to witness, to get the stuck gunk off completely, it’s a lot worse for me to LICK this!