Compelling Smelling Revelation

As I have wandered around for more than a half century I have tried to breathe regularly despite smog, pollen, and a clogged ski-sloped schnoz stuck atop my jaws. Since I have apparently been born with hostile nostrils, I have come to accept choosing sides daily when it comes to sucking in air or shooting out organics or the occasional stray legume. What my stuffed potato head clearly needs is a new snap-on proboscis perfectly perforated with a pair of pierced portals so I can breathe heavily on the phone again like other people.

Clearly a long nozzled ‘neti pot’ filled with hot green tea to un-stuff the snuffer is in order and even if it doesn’t work, I still will tickle my adenoids with the healthful benefits of flavonoids. These days my only excuse for green stuff up my nose is the brackish pool water that I swim in though no matter how much I try, I still can’t breathe underwater very well.  As I recall even that rubber-headed mouth-breather, The Creature from the Black Lagoon had a better wet ‘bill’ than I have plus a great set of gills to impress the HAUGHTy girls on the beach.

It’s not all bad though since depending on the size of the fipple I force into my forepart, I can make a pretty impressive whistle to ‘cat call’ to attractive wolves or unattractive cabs that happen by my hovel. Since the prow below my brow is so often closed for business, I rarely have to pump the bilge since my beak’s not subject to leaks or close encounters of the wet kind. If I ever catch myself running behind too quickly or just need a brake after a rat race, I simply tilt my head back and flare the face and brace for resistance from wind and any terrified onlookers.

The REAL problem as I see it is that I have no frame of reference as to how a good or bad performing nose behaves, other than having a pointy one seems better than a flatsy like that Phantom of the Opera nut. Yeah I might be a little too nasal-nosey about strangers olfactory but I just want to be sure that I still smell right and have always smelled, at least as good or only a little worse than everyone else! Hmm, maybe I’ve been wrong to doubt my snout and I should reconsider that my horn is more the norm than I at first thought? I’m sure my thinking will be clearer with a box of Kleenex , a vat of Vicks, and a can of spray paint in an unventilated space, just so I can put my finger in – uh . . . ON IT!  

Flies LIKE me

Like most non-amphibians, I am not a huge fan of bugs in general and flies in particular. Oh I know that insects probably are a lot like us and have their own right-to-life proponents to cheer them on and carry any colored flag except black. However, I would prefer if flies and their irritating hairy-legged larvae would find some other fat and sweaty guy’s watering hole to hang out in after a tough shift working the manure pile.

I am rarely threatened by the older flies – it’s the young ones that cause all the trouble and make me want to lash out and grab the first one I see by the thorax to teach ‘em a lesson. Just because you can dodge deftly and fly faster than even the Mightiest of cartoon mice doesn’t mean you have to show off all of the time to get your 15 minutes of buzz. 

Even when I have spirited a secret wiener schnitzel snack back in my lederhosen I have gotten less attention from old rabid schnauzers and shepherds  than I do the rest of the time from vile virile flies. What’s the great attraction for these ‘first in flight’ flies fresh out of maggot school to dive bomb as close to my ear holes as possible without colliding with my head – am I really that ‘hot’ of a date mate? Oh sure I have lots of attractive crooks n’ crevices for an occasional egg laying except for the fact that I’m already married and anyway, May-September romances rarely work out.

You see, just like me, more sedate and selective geezer flies are predictable enough to go about their business of sucking up and secreting stuff all day long but prefer to avoid unnecessary conflict by sitting silently on a sunny sill. By the end of the day they might have enough leftover energy for a stubbly leg bath or enough synaptic wits to ponder the occasional puzzle in the paper before bedtime. Unlike the crossword in my morning rag though, once ‘stuck’, the fly’s demise is imminent and no help or a useful Goo-B-Gone solution will be printed in tomorrow’s FLY paper!

Life's lies CONTAINED

Despite my curmudgeon-y carcass and thrifty vinyl billfold sealed in cellophane, I rarely enjoy deceiving folks or putting on airs to feign that I’m normal and reasonably sane.  Typically I take no pleasure by showing off or seeking out the best that life has to offer by shopping for fancy top-name national brands. On occasion however, when I am alone and free from outsider’s eyes and their equally jaundiced judgment, sadly even I have been lured to a battle bound for the better bottles full of the real stuff.

Since I am a bit of a cheapskate, it takes a lot of willpower to conform to societal prejudices to live large and stretch to buy off the top shelf (it’s ok since I’m tall). I personally am just as happy with a good facsimile as I am with the real thing because as long as the product does the job, what do I care if it’s a fancy brand? Yes any dumb bunny can overspend and buy the best to get beaming results but it takes real skill to buy at the bottom of the barrel yet never let anyone suspect there’s a difference. 

The key to my perfectly balanced fancy dance between boffo branding vs. product quality is to know how the ‘good stuff’ performs since in today’s over-advertised life, almost everything looks right. Often I just prefer the container itself of the name brands rather than the pricey goo inside so the second step is to sample similar products and settle on the least-costly copy, that not only stands up to my toe-low standards but beat’s my wife’s moderate thigh-high ones as well. Then it’s time for the final exam as my drum-tight grip on ‘good enough’ is put to the test and hopefully earns an exclamation point for effort and at least a check mark for smarts.

Yes once I have the fancy schmancy high-brow branded container then I am in real business as my true nature calls and is free to re-assert itself to defile the costly contents with cheaper concoctions of my own choosing. The tall off-brand pancake maple-flavored elixir is first to make the transfusion to the squatty microwave sized bottle, which tastes the same but is a half-priced cheaper squeezer pleaser. Then the dark roasted coffee grind leaves its store brand home and finds solace in a snooty brew bag by a big name – who will know?  Ahh modern society’s Nirvana at last; where life’s little lies are just the same as the truth - as long as nobody ‘let’s go of your Eggo’ early and their syrupy recriminations lead you to turn to the REAL STUFF in the bottle.

Stranger EGG Danger

While many males with an eye for pleasure are self-admitted ‘leg men’, my mind is a bit cracked and hard boiled so I turn towards other femur-free parts of the chicken with an ‘Egg yen’ as an alternative. Yes beyond the insatiable draw of black coffee and bulky robes with my initials on them, I enjoy unfertilized chicken embryos, preferably scrambled, atop buttered white toast points to begin the day. Bacon, gravy soaked biscuits and a pig in a blanket's (like me) perennial favorite – pancakes, are all fine too but nothing feeds my sunrise craving like waiting for a first class egging to ensue. 

As compared to some of the aforementioned diet-busting breakfast selections, you might think that I am an EGG-ficionado for health reasons and concerns about my advancing age and nutritional needs.  While some of this is true (I am indeed getting old), banal n’ bland eggs are not always as safe a choice as one might think. No, lurking beyond the fluffy and apparently harmless geography of white and yellow, is a disturbing reality which all too often haunts me to societal disquiet just as it did to Hyde and that Jekyll fellow.

You see it is not really the fault of the egg alone but it is the combustive combination of adding my own selfish perversions into the perfect breakfast equation. For who among us cannot admit to consuming fried yolk and albumen with the addition of luxurious flavor enhancers such as cheese, salsas, and seasonings to taste?  Indeed I too do not take my flamed-Jane eggs plain as I insist on sullying their sultry surfaces and rep by dotting the pile with a shake o’ salt and a liberal dusting of pep.

Clearly when I’m inside and church has let out, Denny’s and IHOP will never seem stranger-safe, to high society’s gentrified, their table-high progeny, and lost souls of trusting faith. Invariably those who dare proximity to the puffing of pepper over my plated egg faire, are fraught with risk from a collateral mid-bite, egg-raid air-scare. For when atomized pepper takes leave of its senses to swiftly stride through my stuffed sinus peninsula, all bets are off; since in seconds all soups will be egg-dropped and Sunday Seersucker's for sure-a,  will be Pollock-spotted masterpiece canvases - but in tossed EGG-tempera!