Oscar – Isn’t that bologna?

Well how can I, in good conscience avoid addressing the Academy Awards' Best Picture buzz since you probably have not heard a thing about it huh? Yes I actually DO know that the news is saturated with all things Oscar, so it’s my duty to take a fresh look and help you learn LESS about the Oscars than you ever thought possible!

In an effort of full disclosure, I have to admit I have not seen ANY of the nominated films. I am generally aware of many of the plots however and get this – I even know that there are 10 films up for Best Picture as opposed to 5 previously. Are you impressed yet? No? Well ok then, I guess I will have to turn the oven up to 450 and send in the HEAT.

Avatar is the first movie nominated and I think it is about the Blue Man Group of the future? I heard this 3-D movie made a little money and even was seen by my 70 year old in-laws? I have nothing against fantasy films whatsoever. I mean my wife and I actually once considered making Harry Potter wands to sell? I even enjoyed that chick-flick vampire movie last year - “Tightwhite” or whatever its name was? So I can handle the fantasy but – this movie? The hero wears a loin cloth, is blue and sports a ‘tall tail’ so I I cannot believe anything I read about this movie even if it's all good.

Another movie nominated this year stars one of my Mom’s favorite actresses – Sandra Buttocks. (or is that my Dad’s … Hmmm?) This movie The Blind Side I think is about a woman who takes in some poor disrespected football player and teaches him to sell mini-blinds as a side business? The movie is based on a true story so since the family in real life did not win a Best Picture Oscar than this movie can’t either.

District Nine is another alien fantasy film. A huge spaceship in the shape of Nelson Mandella’s head parks over South Africa (where else?). The film feels pretty current because it features large numbers of alien refugees fleeing Detroit and re-locating to better living conditions in Haiti. I may be wrong on the EXACT locations but it’s a really dark-horse contender so set your Nerf guns to STUNNED if it wins.

An Education stars that Dr. Octavius 8 armed crazy guy from Spiderman movie fame. His character is again ‘all handsy’ for a young girl in this movie? The lottery bets are a non-starter for this film and without lottery money for schools, there is NO education. For that reason alone, the academy will SHUN this film.

The Hurt Locker is about a guy who defuses bombs. So as you can imagine this movie is QUITE POPULAR in Hollywood with so many impressive movies to defuse. Since getting hurt when using unfamiliar lockers at the YMCA is so common, you can bet this movie is a favorite for the Best Picture Oscar.

Inglorious Basterds is about brave Jewish guys who like bass fishing and spell swear words poorly. But on the up side they do file proficiently. This movie stars that Arm Pitt guy who is married to that woman with giant wax lips. You know, she was the one who use to wear a vile of her boyfriend’s blood around her neck for good luck (Yum)? Yeah this movie’s got it all - blood, Nazi’s, rugged good looks, and an open bar at the Mitzvah.

Precious is supposedly an uplifting tale about a young overweight kid, nearly illiterate, whose friends help give a chance at a new life. Heck, I think this story is about me? My folks abused me my entire life. They would never let me have a TV in my room or give me a car until I was SIXTEEN – can you believe that? People like this break-out new actress in the lead so 1:3 odds the film will deliver precious 24 karat Oscar gold on Sunday.

A Serious Man is about a teacher seeking answers from 3 Rabbis regarding his seriously depressing life. I thought people went to the movies to forget their troubles not to remember them in 30 FOOT HIGH LIVING COLOR? I honestly know NOTHING of this film, but its directed by the Coen brothers so one thing’s for sure - it is at least 30 minutes too long. I’m guessing this one won’t go home with Oscar gold but its serious effort is a ‘ Weiner’ anyway in the eyes of the academy.

Up in the air is about a kind of lonely guy who fires people and flies on airplanes all the time. Best part about the flick is that it was filmed in St. Louis and it’s airport. The nephew of Rosemary Clooney does a good job in this movie. He was the far better and conventional choice over Rosemary’s baby for the role.

And the final picture nominated for Best picture is UP, an animated feature with balloons, clouds, and travel. In fact, I think this movie is simply the shorter, cartoon-version of 'Up in the Air'? No kidding , it’s the EXACT same movie but Ed Asner’s voice talent beat out (what are the odds?) - YEP …again, Rosemary’s baby! Poor kid. You’d think if anywhere the son of Satan could get a break, it would be in Hollywood?

So there you have it – the LEAST informative guide to the Oscars that you will ever need. Enjoy the spectacle and the glitz; the tuxes and the glam. For a single night lose yourself to the Hollywood life of the red carpet elite. It’s all in good fun and best of all, the next day you’ll get an Oscar too - the only difference is that yours will be on a sandwich! In the end, no matter how you dress it up – ALL Oscars are still JUST BOLOGNA!