Crabby Cabbie Commentary

In my world traveling would be the perfect form of recreation if  I did not have to go anywhere. Now I know that sounds strange, but think about it – everyone likes a nice hotel room, a day at the beach, or a chance to see a famous museum, but it is the getting there that is the pain. Who wants to get up early to have some handsy TSA agent examine your crack of dawn and fondle your pits n’ olives after paying $30 to ride in the back of some dingy yellow cab to get there. I don’t even like riding in my own smelly dirty car so why would I ever enjoy paying for that privilege in somebody else’s?

After 50 years of cabbies and chauffeurs why can’t I find somebody reasonably ‘normal’ to hustle my muscle and load my lard around? I think I must exude some kind of attractant from my numb skull to my  hammered toes that smells like bacon and is JUST as good for you. Doesn’t anyone who drives a truck, bus, car, or limo for a living look or sound like my parents or even their parents for that matter? Who makes up this alien amalgam that is spawning these ‘drivers of the corn’ covered in hair, cologne, tattoos, or all three in ample quantity.

Don’t get me wrong, I DO respect these folks if for no other reason than the fact that they will let me ride around in their vehicles any time of day, no matter how sweaty, gassy, or a glassy-eyed I am. I just think it is weird that some of these dudes look so scary, talk too much, too little, or not at all.  You would think in a job where you interact with the public regularly, it would demand a somewhat subdued and standard image which people other than gang-members & the Manson family can relate to.

Then again maybe I am being too superficial and judgmental . After all I can only chuckle at the fearful recoil my wolf-like gate and gorilla physique have struck into mere mortals when I’m wild eyed and in search of an unoccupied airport restroom after one too many Big Gulps. Hmmm, maybe that’s the REAL reason for my Cabbie conundrum – they all should all be driving ‘Porta Potties’ instead of taxis – though honestly, at least in my experience, I’m not sure I could even tell the difference!