Serial Whiner

Around this hovel you’ll usually need a shovel, to spoon feed my wife and I through an overflowing sluice trencher brimming with dry cereal and a cold milk drencher. Yes it is not unusual for us to have more than a half dozen boxes of the grainy puffs n’ stuff open, willing, and able to glint upon our eyes, bellies and table. My wife is content with the ritual as she cycles through the brands and flavors daily but I’m not, since I still wanna’ know what happened to all the cool swag hidden inside my cereal bag? 

At least these ‘cereal murderers’ could provide ‘something’ other than dehydrated fake fruit bits  and crunchy 'un-nuts' to dive for and give me a real ‘RAISIN’ for ‘digging’. Who in the ‘whole grain’ do these high n’ mighty Weetabix TRIXsters think they are dealing with, by stealing my morning Pep pin inducement to ‘granola’ out of bed every sunrise. Here’s a ‘news flash’ for the fiber freaks and ultra-tan bran fan types - that ‘Special K’ pap is not so special without the wrapped ‘K’RAP nestled down deep between the cello sheets.

Though it should take a frosted flake like me to know one, I am at a loss to guess who keeps going through the cereal behind my back and leaving me up a Battle Creek without an injection molded prize of a paddle. There are only so many days an overgrown nut n’ his honey can go without a colorful decoder ring or baking soda submarine to soften the world of hurt delivered in black and white by the morning paper. Despite the fact that I am a big supporter of the MILK-itary I am sad to say I have narrowed down the thief responsible to likely a high ranking officer - either General Mills or Cap’n Crunch! 

Sorry to complain, the sugar sprinkled wrinkles of my pebble sized brain obviously have become a tad flax-taxed by spending so much time poking around for a morning treat to beat Franken’s berries and Lucky’s lackluster charms. After a half century I know it’s time to grow up and start making healthier food choices for breakfast anyway. That’s why I vow to start seeking cereal’s wisest prizes with at least two FRUITS daily on my spoon starting with a big ol’ bowl of GRAPE Nuts mixed with APPLE Jacks!