Sweet Potato Delivery System

Potatoes and I are a lot alike. Oh sure my skin may be a bit thicker and my eyes are a tad glassier but otherwise white starchy spuds and bulky buds like myself have always been the best of friends. I know I should focus on less caloric carbs and eat more greens, but when you cater to taters of that particular sheen, they can inspire unexpected ill thrills for the gills and wet public scenes.

So with my predisposition to tasty tubers I guess I need to look for a more acceptable color in my favorite ‘booty-building’ rooty foodie ? Maybe a cool shade of red, gold, or if recent restaurant reconnaissance is to be trusted, a fake canned tan Orange, like something rusted. Yes, why so suddenly does the lowly sweet potato get to show its bronzed complexion on the front of every menu, yet its ashen cousins are thrown back in the mud under the dud-spud truck.

Sometimes I think these eatery geniuses all steal the same ideas and rush to shove the same exact stuff down my gullet all at the same time. Why must all of my tots, chips, n’ fries be spawned from a Yam daddy to insight ‘sighs’, but  the poor old Yukon, red skin, and russets among us face turned up noses and get cussed at. If only there were a way to eat the sweets with all their fiber and healthy vitamins A through E without the endless 'benefit' campaign haranguing me. 

Yes I guess when I eat out and graze, I’m a little sensitive about facing the tater terrors and being ‘saved’ by half-baked nutritional potato heads at every turn of the laminated menu. I’m not bitter against the sweet potato itself just the uber tuber fanatics who want to boil me in butter if I potato-pamper myself to a spud of any other color but orange. A truce is in order to this civil war since my issue is more about delivery than what yam I can ram into my fam. So I turn my big mouth South and set beady eyes towards mashed surrender and compromise, with food of true-blue orange hue and healthy ties – a double oven dose of Sweet Potato PIES!

Extended Warranty

The dishwasher gave out this week. Actually it still works perfectly to me, but my wife said it keeps ‘giving out’ little lumps of chewed food and grime which apparently in ‘her world’ means stuff isn’t getting clean? I don’t see the rest of the animal kingdom making a big deal over a little leftover nacho sauce stuck to their tv-dinner trays. That combo-chunk of green beans, rice, & gravy is actually like a little ‘bonus’ snack and a solid food reminder of how bountiful our lives really are while we can still chew.

Anyway the predictable result was I had to go raid my kid’s piggy bank and see how much newer of a dishwasher I could get with a sack of pennies, a forced smile, and a credit card. Turns out our local Goodwill is a primary source for used underwear, arch-less footwear, and broken down recliners, but except for George Foreman grills and Civil War era microwaves, it’s not a good choice for roach-free appliances. I had left my jet-pack at home so I fought off the primal instinct for flight and instead drove toward salvation and divine guidance for my unwashed from our local mall-bound Sears Outlet.

I know it seems counterintuitive to go to a mall to buy an appliance instead of fashion but what do you expect from a grunt who gets his Nikes and knickers in bunches from a second-hand store? Being politically correct I did not look at the white dishwashers but instead focused on the stainless steel models. In the end however since the whole kitchen is black I settled on an avocado and mandarin orange theme because it fits with my Midwest taste for style and I guess I was a little hungry.

Checking out was relatively painless especially when the guy looked up my rarely used Sears account to save me another 10% on my purchase. WHEEE, no more illegal alien dishwashers for me, I wish I had to buy appliances and save money like this every day! That is until we got to the extended warranty part of the transaction. Gee when did these things end up costing as much as the ACTUAL THING that you are buying? I think a couple of years was $170 and 5 years of added warranty was around $300.

Did anyone stop and think in 5 years I could just go buy another NEW Jack LaLanne juicer or a Fry Daddy for mommy and be miles ahead? Needless to say I passed on the extended warranty and decided to live life on the edge like ice skaters, gang members and cutlery salespeople do. Anyway the bottom line is I don’t want to live in an America where my appliances have better health care and a longer extended warranty than I do!

Greet This!

In one of my weekly treks I ventured into a Wal Mart where I was happily waved at by one of their door greeters. I am curious about this job on a number of levels. Do you have to have any kind of training to be a greeter or is something that you are just ‘born’ with? Is the ‘Greeter’ position a coveted job or is it like the leftover job that nobody wants and has to draw straws for at the beginning of a shift? I think it is a job that takes a LOT of experience because everyone I ever see doing it has been around since the war … the CIVIL war.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to be a greeter snob or ‘uppity’ in any way. In fact I tried to imagine myself as a greeter but I doubted if I would make the grade. Not only am I about 60 years too young, but Wal Mart likes to maintain a friendly atmosphere. Though I try to be nice and happy most of the time, my face always seems to be scowling. I think it is a birth defect or something.

Yeah I figured my melon-head had more soft brown spots on it than the typical ‘normal’ baby banana does. I think when I was born, my parents must have inadvertently pinched my face into a permanent frown while reaching for cigarettes and alcohol. I didn’t know it then but my life surely had limited job potential as a joyful party clown, or worse, a Wal Mart greeter.

I always wonder if the ‘Greeters’ are actually like super secret store detectives watching every patron’s move, looking for shoplifters and hooligans. They probably have sophisticated electronic surveillance gear hidden underneath that wheel chair or behind that little podium. They seem all warm and fuzzy on the outside but I am guessing that is because of all the shawls and doilies they are wearing.

I actually think they are secretly probing and scanning me as I walk in and out of the store. Too bad that I will never know the pleasure of having such awesome power and responsibility as the dutiful blue-vested Greeter. The only thing I ever get to probe freely is a stopped up toilet or maybe a waxy orifice or two. If I play my cards right, at least I still have a chance at becoming a parking lot ‘shopping cart collection dude’ someday – those folks ALWAYS have a frown on their face!

Redneck Games Reunion

Once again I somehow missed the Summer Redneck Games in E. Dublin, Georgia on Saturday. This is that spoof (sort-of) alternative Olympics started down South when the real five ring Olympics stopped by in Atlanta awhile back. Although the event takes a lot of ribbing in the national media, it actually collects quite a bit of dough for charity, while having a lot of fun.

I’m not so sure what the big deal is though about throwing toilet seats as horseshoes? In Missouri we just throw the whole toilet out in the yard. Actually my nephew used a sledgehammer to break-up an old toilet of mine and we ended up burying the pieces in the backyard. The irony was the toilet rubble was buried to help with WATER control and erosion! Gee I thought that was what diapers were for?

Yeah those Georgian’s down at the Redneck Games have nothing on us Missourians. When we ceremoniously light our BBQ grills here, usually at least one random rodent and a flurry of insects vacate the thing quick. We are not big on Porky pigs feet here, but as I’ve mentioned before just across the ‘Big Muddy’ is a joint that people flock to for Pig snout sandwiches and love ‘em.

So to get in the mood and ready for next year’s Redneck games, I’m thinking of getting one of those mullet haircuts sewn right into a truckers cap. I’ll have to dig around and see if I can find my cut-off jeans made out of the Confederate flag. Though it has been quite a few pounds ago since I wore them, there is nothing quite so nice as resting your sweaty rump on the Confederate flag. Gee I had better be extra careful with those flag pants seams if I bend over though – NOBODY wants to see those Confederates split from the Union again!

La Historia of May 5th

Traditionally this has always been an interesting day for me. My family has primarily used May 5th as an excuse to go out and enjoy a tasty Mexican meal together. We also liked the day because it doesn’t take lots of preparation or costly debt to enjoy the camaraderie and fun celebration. Basically Cinco de Mayo’s job is to fill the ‘excuse for fun’ void between the end of the school year and Easter with a little Mexican flavor.

The day’s origin in history was anything but fun however. Military units from Spain, Britain and primarily France invaded Mexico in January 1862. Mexico purposefully stopped paying interest payments on their mounting debt so the Europeans came to collect. Soon enough the Spanish and British broke ranks with the French and went home 4 months later. It had become obvious that France had designs on Mexico’s land and natural resources more than its interest in re-payment of debts.

The French had mounted an undefeated army since around 1810. So the 5th of May in 1862 found its way into the annals of history, when the Mexican army took a stand at Puebla, Mexico. The Mexicans soundly repelled the French invasion force of nearly 8000 - double the strength of the defenders. It did not last however as within a year, Mexico City fell and the French occupied their lands. Napoleon III had hoped to establish a Mexican Monarchy patterned after the French model, but beholden to France’s sphere of influence. Continuing guerilla warfare plagued the new government and once America’s Civil War had ended, the now United states turned its collective resources on blockading further French intervention per the long established Monroe Doctrine. Without direct support from France, the failed Monarchists were deposed, and by 1867 Benito Juarez was restored as President of Mexico.

The celebratory nature of the day has always seemed to ring more important with American restaurant owners than with the people of Mexico themselves. Yes, there is no better feeling of pride than being reminded yearly of your ancestors lack of financial responsibility and subsequent impetus for war. Remember to bring your wallet or purse today, if you intend to enjoy the music, good food, and camaraderie of Cinco de Mayo. The costly lessons of history are clear … PAY YOUR DEBTS – because some folks get a little ‘touchy’ when they don’t get paid on time.

Sit right down & write a letter

A lot of you won’t even remember that great old 30’s tune “I’m gonna sit right down and write myself a letter”. It is a catchy tune and has been recorded many times by the who’s who of crooners over the last 70 years, including Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, Barry Manilow and even Willie Nelson. I’ve linked Nat King Cole’s version here since it’s my big band favorite. Now the REAL point of all this is, at times, YOU should invest some of your precious time and actually sit down and truly write yourself a letter.

Oh no he’s gone all ‘new age’ on us now – time to find a new blog. No, I’m still fairly practical in my philosophies, but I have found this technique of addressing oneself in writing helpful in several ways. First, there have been times in my business life, that I have become, uh let’s say … frustrated, at the way my bosses have approached problems. Instead of blurting out my objections along with how STUPID my superiors were, I FIRST took the time to pen out my issues and formulate a more TACTFUL response. Not only did it allow me a chance to stay employed a little longer, but I could plan countermeasures better to deal with any objections to my way of thinking as well as my own logic issues (NEVER!). This process does not have to be formal at all. Simply step back before you leap, jot down a few notes and think. You’ll be amazed at how helpful it can be to be your own stenographer and ‘Yes man’ all rolled into one.

My daughter’s school has done this second letter writing technique on at least two occasions. Her class was instructed to write a letter to her ‘future self’ and describe what she was learning, doing, and excited by in her future. This is usually limited to only a few years since kids change so quickly, but you get the idea. Write down what you ARE doing in the future and what is important to you then. It is a bit like setting a very long term New Year’s resolution. It may be helpful to refer to that written goal from time to time for anyone my age, but for the kids they actually MAILED the letters a few years later. If nothing else it makes for an interesting time capsule memento and snapshot of the way you saw yourself from an younger and often less sophisticated vantage point.

Abraham Lincoln became even more of a legend for his amazing restraint and letter writing. During the Civil War, after enduring a parade of lackluster Generals from McClellen to Hooker, Lincoln was greatly angered that General George Meade failed to attack General Robert E. Lee after Lee’s devastating losses at Gettysburg in July 1863. Lincoln wrote a scathing letter to Meade, that he effectively and single-handedly had prolonged the war - but Lincoln NEVER SENT that famous letter. Lincoln chose thoughtful restraint rather than rash reaction. Lincoln’s actions eventually stewarded a cantankerous Meade with a big ego to even stay on and serve ably under General Ulysses S. Grant and ultimately secure the war’s end in April, 1865. Lesson Learned: Check your ego, think long term, and write a letter … then promptly keep it to yourself. You can always send scathing criticism and complaints later so THINK first, plan next, and DO LAST!

Whew, that got a bit more ‘cerebral’ than I had intended, especially after starting out with a fun ditty about writing letters to yourself. Ok, to redeem this post and return the blogosphere to its vacuous philosophical ‘Facebook-esque’ roots, I have linked the “Letters Never Sent” website here. I know this site may waste more of your precious time but then again you have plenty of it – you got through this post didn’t you?