Prime Nine + one reason I am thankful

I must depart from the mirth and mayhem to wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving. Yes it truly is this time of year where we pause to reflect upon our collective good fortunes and temporarily set aside our gripes and frustrations. Actually I think it is a good habit to take the time to REGULARLY acknowledge the best aspects of our daily lives - NOT just on holidays. That does not mean you have to settle for less or ignore the assault of real problems in your daily struggle. Rather, the point is that we ALL have much more to be thankful for than what can be crammed into the confines of a few special days per year.

So I give my appropriate thanks to all the people, places, and things that have made, and will continue to make my life so exhilarating. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have enjoyed such an interesting and memorable ride over these past years. The journey has not always been easy, but it almost always has been a true adventure, and for that I consider myself to be unbelievably lucky. I sincerely hope you feel the same and even if you don’t here are nine more reasons to at least smile if not be, outright thankful! Cheers!

1) Not only after a big holiday meal but year round, I am thankful for stretch-band slacks and Beano.

2) I am thankful that turkeys do not choose to do the same things to humans as we do to them.

3) I am thankful for our governmental foibles and failings – so I can focus on anything BUT my own screw-ups & personal responsibilities.

4) Isn’t it great that cheese cake is 90% cake and 10% cheese rather than the other way around or it would be REALLY fattening.

5) I am thankful that ‘FLIP’ mini video cams don’t actually do THAT while you are filming, or the recordings would be jumpy and hard to watch even in high definition.

6) I’m thankful that meteorologists routinely indentify ‘dew points’ so they can remain regular and Pepto-free.

7) While I am thankful for ’Black Friday’, I would be even more grateful if ALL other races had their own bargain shopping day too.

8) I am very thankful that there are only 24 hours in a day or no doubt NBC’s extended ‘Today’ show programming would still be going into tomorrow.

9) And finally, except for when I am in San Francisco, I am ALWAYS really happy with the toy in my ‘Happy meal’

The ‘Prime 9’ interview questions most often asked of Spiders

One of my favorite books of all time is Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White. I’m not sure why the book speaks to me but maybe it is because its main character is Charlotte, a talking spider, and the book features Wilbur, the conversational pig as well. My personal relationship with swine thus far has been limited to eating various slabs of their body parts slathered in BBQ sauce so rarely will they grant me an interview.

Though spiders mostly ignore me as well, cleaning up after their webs is a constant source of frustration. Spiders are like the brood of children that I never had, who provide my garden with benefits but at the same time leave a mess everywhere they roam. If I could sit down over a plate of nachos or maybe a mummified fly with a talking spider, I think, like most deranged people, I have a lot of important questions to ask. Just in case, I ever get the chance for such an interview, I have prepared the following top nine queries that most people REALLY want to know about spiders:

1) Are you bothered when garden bullies call you ‘four eyes’ even when in reality you have four PAIRS of eyes?

2) Does ejecting limitless yards of floss out your rump hurt and is it Waxed or Mint?

3) As a spider, do you have any phobias like myself, such as ‘of the birds and the bees’ or hairy-bristle legs?

4) Does it bother you that no ‘macho’ high school on earth bills itself as “Home of the Super-Silky Spinning Spiders”?

5) While it’s obvious that you don’t shave your legs; are your eight armpits essentially hairless, like those of ‘baby-face’ Tobey Maguire?

6) Everyone wants to know, do you drive a Fiat, Ferrari, or Alpha Romeo ‘Spider’; or do you prefer the daring spelling of the Maserati Spyder for that ultimate ‘bad arachnid’ image.

7) If I gave you ‘two sense’ for your thoughts would your ‘spidey senses’ be twice as valuable?

8) Given your – uh, appendage situation … are you offended that the terms ‘Eight Ball’, ‘Dr. Octavius’, ‘Octo-Mom’ and the 70’s TV series ‘Eight is Enough’ all have primarily bad connotations associated with them?

9) While everyone knows you are ‘Web savvy’, do you prefer Yahoo or Google as your primary search engine.

So who cares about any more trendy interviews with ‘emo’ Vampires or other soul-less hacks like Hollywood actors and political zombies. Now if you ever meet old Charlotte and her spider family in person, you’ll be well on your way to a hard-hitting ‘web’ interview without any of the ‘spin’. Oh yeah, and if you happen to meet curly-tailed ‘Wilbur’ along the way, be nice – or better yet, have him for DINNER!

Prime 9 signs it is high time to vote!

Oh boy it’s your favorite time of year again. No it can’t be your birthday (unless you're eight), Christmas (unless you're WalMart), or even Hanukah (unless you're Hawaiian). No it is VOTING TIME again – perhaps the most titillating time of the year for computer-bound bloggers and brainy Hooters girls? Hey don’t scoff at the notion – I covered myself with the ‘perhaps’, on the off-chance that some of you may not agree. In any case, today is the day when we start to see the signs that the worst of the political season is behind us, and indeed there is a glow-stick at the end of the tunnel. So AFTER you mark your ballot, pat yourself on the back for a job well done and review these Prime 9 memories of how you knew it was time to make some really tough guesses … uh CHOICES. Enjoy!

1) You madly rush around trying to choose your candidates based on who has the ‘prettiest’ and most colorful yard signs.

2) Robot auto-dialers have grown tired of repeating their taped messages and simply breathe heavily into the phone - which you find oddly arousing.

3) You vote for your candidates based on how many times they HAVE or HAVEN’T uttered any of the phrases ‘change’, ‘Tea Party’, or ‘main street not wall street’, in speeches.

4) Overnight the daily newspaper has become suddenly only 2 pages thick and devoid of any ‘hard’ news except for the crossword puzzle – oops I forgot, it’s already like that every day!

5) You have to ‘un-stick’ your identification from its wallet window pocket , so the old geezer that checks you in at the polls can fondle it and compare your ‘in person’ weight to the ‘ lie’ noted on your Driver’s license.

6) If your homeless or an illegal alien, you must walk from polling place to polling place casting multiple ballots for whichever candidate has promised you the most cigarettes, malt liquor, and lottery tickets.

7) At Walgreens, there is a rush on fingernail polish and ‘Goo-be-gone’ to try and remove your losing candidate’s stickers from the car’s bumper, office windows, laptop, and your billboard-sized forehead.

8) The entire library system’s collection of 32 copies of ‘Voting for Dummies’ are all returned and re-shelved on the day of the election – inexplicably perfectly crisp and STILL never opened.

9) Global Warming has immediately reversed into a dive towards a new ice age when all of the hot air stops billowing out of those airbag candidates and the moronic TV commentators.

So there you have it the Prime 9 signs that it is voting time again. I sincerely hope you have taken your responsibility to understand the issues and candidates a bit more seriously than my goofy post insights. Our nation depends on YOUR vote for guidance and leadership. Without ‘We the people’ there is nobody left in this Republic to tax and pay for all the stuff that we want for free. So be proud, and help put Democracy in action by remembering to VOTE NOW and VOTE OFTEN!

‘Prime 9’ Fruit that pose as veggies

Who knows exactly when, but by the time you are old enough to understand ‘you could HATE V-8’ juice you have learned that tomatoes are classed botanically as fruit rather than vegetables. I guess sometimes, fresh grown tomatoes can be very sweet so in a way I freely accept them as fruit. But some things on my ‘Poser’ list are just too hard to choke down as fruity-foods both LITERALLY and figuratively.

So two of my least favorites include Cucumbers and Eggplant. Yes I can enjoy an occasional ‘Zesty Dill’ or a crisp sweet pickle chip, but please keep all other forms of Cucumbers away from me. They pollute all that they touch with their stinky green skin. Eggplants taste dull and just look too shiny and ‘purpley’ to trust. They remind me of some kind of ‘bruise gone wild’ or my foot after I stub my big toe.

Pumpkin and Squash I tolerate for two entirely different reasons. Once when I was younger my wife grew an enormous 115 pound pumpkin. I carved it out from the bottom and with the help of two highly paid illegal aliens wore it around my head like Darth Vader with a spray-on tan. Let’s just say I was popular with the kid in the day, but not so much with my wife later when those pumpkin innards glued themselves to my hair. I will always have a soft spot in my hair for Pumpkins. Squash is not bad cut up and stir-fried with some kind of meat grease. But its real value to me is to dry them out and fill them with BB’s to make maracas. I love squash maracas – until they break.

Finally the last 4 botanically classed fruit that most of us consume as veggies are the hardest to accept. Yes perennial ‘flavorites’ like corn, beans, peas, and sweet peppers are all actually fruity by nature. I know I know, it shakes your faith to the ‘apple-core’ that you have been deceived by public education and worse - the supermarket. Up to now, other than church, the grocery produce aisle was the last bastion of honesty and organic purity left in America. Who knows what’s real anymore or what to believe? The next thing you will be telling me is that potatoes have ‘eyes’ and lettuce has ‘heads’. Yeah right – what do you think I just fell off a turnip trike?

Extension Cords - Prime 9 uses

I recently wrote about all the reasons that extension cords and I do not get along. I kind of got a lot of pushback hate mail from extension cord fans (along with other small appliances too) who seem to really benefit from the mobility that longer cords bring. So in the interest of fairness and equal time. I now submit for your approval, the Prime Nine alternative uses for extension cords:

1) An anchor line for an Electric boat

2) The business end of a really REALLY big string trimmer

3) Dental floss for the Mountain Dew drinkin’, gap-toothed smilin’, Deliverance folks

4) Fishing line for stupid fat catfish of the evening who’ll ‘noodle’ ANYTHING, even fingers

5) For a high-powered 120 volt Electric Fence (Ha - Too Easy)

6) Hanging that really gauche black felt artwork with the real working car headlights

7) A modern swinging vine for a high tech Tarzan & his blue tooth connected chimp, 'Cheeta'

8) Use as a lasso by Robert Redford’s Electric Horseman to electrocute Jane Fonda

9) A clothesline for only SHORTS & wind BREAKERS (the JACKETS … nothing else)

There you have it - my ‘prime 9’ homage to alternative uses for stupid electrical extension cords. I am sure you have a few clever ideas of your own so do feel free to enLIGHTEN us all. Whatever you do though don’t get distracted from this post to do something else. Because if you do that is a clear sign you probably have ‘Extension Deficit Disorder ‘!

Prime 9 arrogant Celebs

Wow I know I am crossing into dangerous territory here criticizing some of your most favorite Hollywood types. I’m sorry as it is nothing personal, I just wanted to explore my automatic revulsion to certain stars, regardless of their fame or public reverence. I don’t know what it is about these people that bugs me so much. But even when I am at the library and movies are FREE, I still skip over their work even if they are blockbusters.

Actually I do know what I don’t like about these folks - it is their arrogance. Yeah they have sold millions of dollars in entertainment sales and they are famous but so what? There are lots of other stars that are not so full of themselves. Generally when an arrogant actor starts believing their own publicity then I lose interest in them, their press, and their projects. I’m sure you have your own unkind list, but for now you can mull over my prime nine least favorite, arrogant celebrities. I’m going to go enjoy a Spencer Tracy or Bing Crosby classic flick. Ooops – I’ve heard those guys were arrogant jerks off camera too!

1) Tom Cruise – Since he was young he thinks he is
‘oh so cool’ in a pair of sunglasses

2) Angelina Jolie – Honestly she just seems manufactured, hard and emotionally distant

3) Richard Gere – Even in comedic roles, I just want to cut off his mop of perfect hair

4) Ashton Kutcher – I just can’t get past his recreational drug user persona in serious roles

5) Rosie O’Donnell – Giant mouth that talks and talks but is incapable of listening

6) George Clooney – Committed only to himself – reminds me of a wooden totem

7) Sharon Stone – Hard edged and still thinks she ranks though she never did.

8) Kate Gosselin – ‘Wanna be’ to the extreme. Emotionally calculating and DULL

9) Sean Penn – Chavez and Castro as buds? Can’t respect someone this dumb

Prime 9 Un-godly Creatures

Whether you believe in natural selection or a higher deity, when it comes to earth’s inhabitants, sometimes you have to just step back and say “What happened?” No I am not talking about rabid sports fanatics or two-faced politicians – those things are just too graphic even for this blog.

Ok, let’s warm up with a couple of unique but cuddly car wash cloths that are really animals, the ‘Sheep Pig’ (Mangalitza Gilt) and the ‘Komondor dog’. I’ll leave to you to decide which one is which.






Well those are not weird enough to really keep you interested and also most of us don’t get enough seafood in our diet, so let me help with Ziggy’s doppelganger, the ‘Blob Fish’, a ‘Yeti Crab’, ‘Sea Pig’, and our happy friend the ‘Axolotl’.









Well after any daring sea quest you have to come up for air right? So I’ll end with the three freakiest land creatures that I could find to complete the prime 9 – the ‘Star-nosed Mole’, ’Pink Fairy Armadillo’, and the ‘Aye-Aye’. I don’t know about you but I would never take my ‘eye-eye’ off him or the rest of his un-godly friends?







Ok, these weirdo creatures should be enough to whet your whistle or maybe your pants if you are easily frightened. But if you want more, follow this link to at least 16 more strange creatures to terrify and satisfy all at the same time. You can also link here for even more background data and a few more pictures of nature’s oddest of oddities – well except maybe sport freaks and lying political hacks. Enjoy!

(#3) 9 ‘UN-Blockers’ for Writers (Pt. 3/3)

This is a continuation and last of a three part series on the prime nine tips to avoid writer’s block for bloggers or any type of regular writing task. Check archives if you wish to start from part one first. Thanks for stopping by. Enjoy - W.C.C.

-------------- Prime 9 ‘Un-Blockers’ – Part 3 of 3 -------------


7) Do crosswords, Sudoku, & mind puzzles before bed. – Huh, I don’t get it? Credible research shows that the human mind is at its best when it is being taxed. Your goal is to keep that gray matter of yours from truly turning gray. The more your mind works, the more fresh synapses are formed, networked, and linked to one another. As you read riddles or do math, your brain is building endless tables of relationships and storing it all away in your sub-conscious mind. Amazingly, that exercise will help your writing wordplay and speed of thought in ALL facets of life, not just your writing. I know this point is a bit ‘heady’, but if you keep ‘an open mind’, your effort will put you ‘head and shoulders’ ‘ahead’ of other bloggers! ( … Sorry )

8) Interrogate yourself OUT LOUD. – Oh no, now you’ve crossed the line? Whenever I am really stuck for an idea, I simply ask myself a few questions as if I am being interviewed by someone else. Yes, it helps if you have multiple personalities, but you will be surprised that it is far easier to dictate your ideas than it is to initially translate them into the written word. It’s easy, just hide from your spouse so she does not keep answering you while your practicing. Simply start asking simple questions about your topic and then try answering back to yourself. As you work your way to the more complex stuff, jot notes down and outline your answers as you continue to audibly answer your queries. Soon enough, you’ll have to get a towel to clean up all those overflowing creative juices. (Yuuuch?)

9) Be Smart and Flexible but ‘limit’ yourself. – Yes I am the master of contradiction. The implication is however that set yourself up to SUCCEED not to fail when you start blogging. Send the kids to school, close the door, turn off the phone and WRITE. The more distractions you allow in, the slower your brain will work. No matter what you’ve heard, brain research shows that in fact there is no such thing as multitasking. The truth Is that each distraction by definition is pausing or DISTRACTING you from your writing. If you hit a log jam and must remind your spouse to ‘buy milk on the way home’ then get up, take a measured break, do some jumping jacks, and eliminate the distraction. Try to define set goals such as “ I will write a half hour per day” rather than “I will write from Noon until 12:30”. The reason is that you want to be flexible enough that if you get on a writing roll, then keep going. Conversely, if you happen to magically become deaf, dumb, and catatonic over lunch, then why sit there staring at your keyboard forcing inspiration and suffering desire. It is important to set limits on your writing however. Since writing is still a subjective skill you need to accept that no matter how long you work, your blogs will never be as perfect, or as complete as you desire. If you fail to set limits, you will find yourself writing longer but not necessarily better posts. Also your eyes will become big bloodshot dinner plates from all that quality time in front of that glaring monitor. Do yourself and your blog followers a favor. Set reasonable writing limits and once reached do SOMETHING else.

So that’s your ‘Prime Nine’ ways to un-block your Nirvana-seeking noggin when writing blockage-free blogs or just about anything else. Once you have found your blogging niche and writing voice, then all that’s left is to ‘Hunk up’ those skinny little ‘sea legs’ of experience. There’s no magic to get there however; it’s just a matter of practice at regular intervals and the discipline to get up and repeat the process over and over again. When all’s said and done (never), with diligence, a little organization, and some sun-time away from your computer, it won’t take long for you to bulk up to that ultimate blogging-builder’s physique that we all dream about! Oh yeah, even if that blogging thing doesn’t work out – at least you’ll end up with a really nice tan.


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Ok, there you have it - more than you probably ever wanted to know about avoiding Writers Block. If you missed any of the three parts, just check the archive in March for part one and April for part two. Remember to check back often, unless on travel or server issues, I try to post by 1400 Hrs. and 0200 Hrs. Central time every day. –W.C.C.

(#2) 9 ‘UN-Blockers’ for Writers (Pt. 2/3)

We continue on today with part 2 in a series of 3 on the prime nine easy ways to avoid writers block when writing a blog or anything else on a regular basis. If you missed the first installment, simply check the archives to get caught up. As always, I’ll post my normal random blogs during the overnight update for those who prefer other topics in the morning. Enjoy! - W.C.C.


---------- (cont.) Prime 9 ‘Un-Blockers’– Part 2 of 3 ----------


4) Piggy-Back off of somebody else’s idea. Wow isn’t that cheating? No, don’t copy somebody else’s work but add to the collective ‘experience’ of the topic. In fact some of the best blogs and essays are interactive and contain links and track-backs to other articles on the same general topic. You may have a completely different experience when “choosing a new bed” as I did. Both of our blogs will benefit in such indirect collaboration because the readers that are interested in a particular topic, are probably interested in another article on the same topic.

5) Carry a notepad and digital camera with you at all times. Hey isn’t that two things in one? Maybe but who’s counting. The point is you need to be ready to document that ‘slice of life’ or odd-ball blog topic no matter where you are. So if you are driving and see a rather funny vanity license plate, write it down (safely please!) and either use it or commit it to your Fragment file. Eventually if you find enough funny plates, your blog can write itself as you simply “spell them out” for your readers. Take pictures of particularly stunning or particularly ridiculous subjects. If you are attracted something photographically, then chances are others will be as well. Many a great blog post simply start off with a visually jaw-dropping or funny picture.

6) Make lists of things with a fresh twist. Oh no, I just gave away the technique which gave life to this article. If you have some meat to your idea already, it sure is far easier to choose the right wine or appetizer. The more unique twist or niche revelation to your list the better. Readers need more than topics like “10 things I think are GOOD”. But you will have to fend off blog traffic with flaming torches (literally) if your topic is more akin to “5 Veggies that give you uncontrollable GAS”. The point is to give ‘em new, fresh, and accurately intriguing content and they will come.


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Ok, that’s the second part. Check back tomorrow for part 3 (the conclusion) after 1400 Hrs. CST. Thanks for stopping by! –W.C.C.

9 ‘UN-Blockers’ for Writers (Pt. 1/3)

Ok, folks in an attempt to work in a little more protein into my blogging diet, I am going to experiment with a short serial blog. This essay will be broken into 3 parts over 3 consecutive days. While yes, it may prolong the pain if the topic doesn’t light your fire. But the format will allow me a little more latitude in addressing topics that take more time to explore than my typical 300 – 500 word blogpost. Regardless, the idea is still to enlighten and entertain, so I’ll do my best to move it along. Also, I’ll continue to post my normal random blogs during the overnight update, so every morning topics will be fresh and new to start the day off right. Enjoy! - W.C.C.


---------- Begin Prime 9 ‘Un-Blockers’– Part 1 of 3 ----------


Let’s face it, you like to write and read, or you would have never started a blog. The only problem is that in a fairly short period of time, unless your life is rife with ACTUAL ‘taxi-cab confessionals’, your fresh ideas start to wane. Never fear as I, and millions of other bloviating bloggers, feel your pain and want to do something about it. We all start out with that same weak and wimpy blog-body. But if you bulk up on these 'prime nine' tips to sit down, lube-up, and start working out your blogging chops – then soon, you too will surely find writing Nirvana as the ultimate blockage-free blogger.

Now let me tell you first hand, as someone who posts at least two essays daily in addition to other writing tasks, blogging can start ‘dogging’ you big-time when those self-imposed posting deadlines are looming. Writing is like any job, no matter how much you like it, you have to find ways to keep it fresh and hone techniques to streamline the workload. In the end however, it all comes down to that dirty word ‘practice’ and finding your natural voice when you write. The best blog writers don’t struggle to ‘make it fit’ because their blogs are already custom fit to their natural style, expertise, and – you know … VOICE!

1)Start a ‘running’ document. Huh? This is a basic Notepad or word processing file named something original like “BLOG IDEAS”. I never shut down this document on my computer – it just RUNS all the time. Why? Well, some of my best blog posts materialize when I am doing completely ordinary things. In fact those things are so ORDINARY, that I will forget the “hook” that caught my attention in the first place. For example a “Pop Tart” may get caught in the toaster and I might reflect on how much “I hate cheap appliances”. Or maybe I’ll simply wonder how Pop Tarts got their name and figure that other people may be interested too? Anytime you find inspiration, expand on any of your running document topics but feel no need to finish. At this stage, we're not producing polished gems - your job is just to get those fleeting observations and ideas on paper. We'll clean it all up later with a few 'scrub-downs' and a final edit prior to posting.

2)Like your running blog document, start a “fragment file”. This document you can close normally but often it is a good place to throw funny word pairings or great mind visuals that you might be able to work into your blog posts or jog your writing-mind later. Random alliterations like “Apple’s Applets” or “invigorating ignorance” begin to help form word pictures in your writing. You should also store curious or interesting news headlines that may need further research such as “Winter Olympics trucks in snow” or “Prehistoric fish tastes just like chicken” would be oddball attention grabbing fragments I might keep. By maintaining a file of these ‘Big N’ Blasty’ fun phrases and entertaining news clips, you’ll be miles ahead in future writing ideas as compared to your blogging brethren.

3)Simply start writing. Oh gee thanks, I never thought of that? Ok, it is the oldest one in the book but guess what – IT WORKS. I often in fact cannot think of a clever hook or title for my stories but I have a general direction in mind to take the essay. Start smack dab in the middle and start laying out what you ALREADY know or at least write down what you think you know. You will be surprised how a few words will lead you to a few more, and suddenly you have a completed paragraph. Better yet, usually you’ll have an idea of how to hook your topic into that body copy and a good starting point for further research if your article requires sourcing.


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Ok, that’s a wrap. Check back tomorrow after 1400 Hrs. CST for Part 2. Have a great day! –W.C.C.