Fear of FALLing Pledge

I enjoy all the seasons though a mild and balanced Spring is my favorite with Summer running a close second since I can finally shed my brown flannel-flapped insulated drawers n’ boots in favor of  breezy green jungle undies over ashen glutes. Winter signals a slow hunkering down, more work, and risk of injury but it also brings the fellowship of the holiday season and a new year marker for yet another chance to live life more thoughtfully and try  ‘again’ next time to get it ALL right. But Fall is indeed the wolf in sheep’s clothing since beautiful lush, flowing foliage turns auburn and drawn overnight, wilts, and drops millions of reminders of the work ahead and the loss of once warm temps and long lazy days left behind.

Yes I fear the crispened cool air bearing down and the change of color that so many flock to see and  celebrate because it represents a half year of hideaway hibernation ahead. Though I know it is good for me in many ways, I don’t relish the relentless ‘exercise’ it takes to clean up all of those tree leavings, comings and goings. I can’t ignore the encapsulating blanket of leafy convergence upon the doors, cars, and LIFE so something has to be done with them or my wife, post office guy, and vandals WILL surely notice when they can’t get near the house to do their bidding. 

Oh sure I prepare by stocking up on all of the right tools to help blow, suck, and grind-up whatever I can but in the end, there are more piles of debris than there is pavement to pile it all on. Sometimes I lament my life because it seems so unfair that I have a monopoly on a truly coveted cruddy leaf commodity. Why should others only dream of the wealth that I have amassed - so this year I have a generous plan to make life ‘more fair’ and share my leafy-luxury with the 99% of my community who are less fortunate and haven’t yet FALLen for the benefits of true socialism.

Why should I be so selfish and uncaring to my fellow man when most people aren’t lucky enough to live on the cusp and breathe in the warm and welcoming mildewy-musk, of a giant forested mulch pit? My generous and overly sensitive nature shall no longer know the fear of falling toward the dark side (even under the cover of darkness) and staying self-centered and greedy like in my shady past. From now on I vow to do my best by bulking-up bags of leaves, sticks, and pine needles to gift to each of my neighbors, trick or treatsters, or charity solicitors and help all who must face Fall - longing, leafless, and in genuine need.

Dinner Drop-ins

After years of salsa abuse and my own special brand of blackened anything cooking, I have developed a fairly tough gut for dining. So pick your peppers and dose me with the feisty ghosties or hurry with your spicy curry – it won’t matter ‘cause I can take it. Yes my steel drum of a tum not only weighs a ton but it’s lined with pig iron too so I’m forged from Diet COKE and squeal until filled with grease, but am rarely nauseous.

Now don’t prove me a liar by placing my puffy pink posterior on a tip-toppy yacht in awful sloppy chop. Don’t roll me in coasters that are stead-fast boasters over their belly-churning loops and adrenaline swoops, best fit for gung-ho young souls. No, as long as my bloated bobble-head remains gray-side up, spin-less, and vertigo-free, signs of chyme will never reach the white light of day, pester guests, or decorate unsuspecting shirts with regurgitant leis.

So with this in mind clearly there is little risk in admiring the scenery of my neighbor’s gorgeous greenery. What possibly could turn the tides of my insides while un-canning hot-plate condensed soup or tossing cold-bowls of shivering salad for simple supper sustenance? Logically nothing, except  the bright, green-bladed grassy knoll next door at first blush is not as peaceful as it seems, for secrets hide within its lush brush – the stuff of darkest dreams.

Only two unbridled rhinos roam this land yet clearly freely frequent its open spaces looking for a bank in need of very big high yield deposits. What turned my face of fascination to one of ashen was the horror of my neighbor in tippy-toe terror, repeatedly ringing her yard armed with a fanged feculence trap, mapping unappetizing tubular Gigantor scat.  Suddenly with every weighty skewer of manure showed, my sturdy stomach’s hunger bowed, and soon made an up-turned pitch towards worry, in need of a pink Pepto potation cure in a hurry. Since Christmas is far away a recurring fear of coal stowed in my red n’ green hearth sock should not rank priority today.  But given a possible premonition from my neighbor’s frighteningly saggy baggy collection, my fireplace should shudder in fear, if Santa’s hefty sack is stocked to the top with a year end full from eight regular reindeer!

Golf ABC's

My wife plays golf in a league, so on occasion I will accompany her to the driving range where she can spend some quality time with the white dimpled sphere atop my shoulders as well as those at the end of her clubs. I usually hit a few balls too and of course expertly coach her on all I know about slicing shots out of bounds into the trees and hooking professionally. Obviously my ‘caddie’ comments and use of ‘Wite-out’ to disguise range balls’ red stripes for regular tournament play, clearly shows that her handicaps are LARGE, both at home as well as on the course.

The spouse seems to appreciate my excellent driver discipline since I yell at every club in the bag when they make careless mistakes regardless of how nicely I address them. Being cave-raised has its bat-benefits, but it makes one ill-prepared to stare at the sun in search of little rocket-launched balls while dodging skeeters, cart-geezers, and my wife’s dirty looks. So soon enough she tires of my persistent putter muttering and sends me off to sweep cat treats out of the sand traps and perfect my Zen garden raking readiness. 

Of course venturing so far into nature, away from the protections of my house-bound pen carries a certain amount of risk, especially for those un-lucky enough to view my knobby knees in a pair of plaid shorts. Apparently insects however find my CROTCHety crevices and dewy exposed skin an irresistible puffy pin cushion draw, despite death as discipline for the price of admission. Yes I seem to be a big bloated beacon begging to be browbeaten, by every bug, bird, or unidentified orb that dives n’ flies through the air in search of a sample of a salty simp. 

But alas the tables are truly turned on my buzzing brethren when they dare flare for touch-down anywhere near my face for a taste. Just like my much wiser human acquaintances, a sad driving range bee discovered this windy weekend that it’s best to steer clear of any orifice of mine that is frequently flapping. Don’t worry though, despite the temptation I didn’t bear down on the black n’ yellow fellow and make him face the ‘grind’; I simply shot the drool-drizzled dude out in a warm wad of my own ‘nectar’ as a warning of what fate awaits Any Bee I Cee.

MULCH ado about nothing

Now that fleeting Spring has fully ‘sprung’, I’ve been sentenced to another year of ‘hard time’ in the yard in hopes of prolonging a blooming bounty of fancy foliage to foster and frequently fawn over. Typically in Mother Nature’s cruel yet unusual judgment, showy flowers and bursting buds should quickly wilt, drop-off and take up asylum in the neighbor’s gunk lined gutters as soon as seasonally possible. So my thankless job, along with millions of martyred garden minions like me, is to mount mountains of mucho mulch-o in an elephantine effort to garner the gift of greater growth-time in our gardens.  

Yes the unending cycle of nature’s fickle exorcism to ‘wash, rinse, and rePEAT’ soil from poor soul-less plants with dirtier and crustier barks than MY OWN has begun. This of course signals a time of ignorance, mulchy indecision, self-flagellation, and poorly manicured ungues except for my one ‘Hulk-green’ thumb. Between the rain, frost, drought, and neglect, there’s just too much pressure already to segregate bus loads of mulch varieties around the trees, lotsa’ hostas, and our habitat of inhumanity. 

Anyway I thought we were all supposed to be colorblind now so why does mulch come in so many flavors and grinds? Even coffee with all its dedicated legions of fancy corner cafes and mountaintop rarities still shows up handsomely cup after cup in a similar shade of ‘SAME’ every day. I don’t need a more colorful life since I’m already black n’ blue from working around this barnyard; green with envy of those who don’t have to, and  my grimy neck and a rosy ‘RED’ have always been such good friends?

Why should I care about a bunch of pushy bushy troublemaking trees n’ shrubbery who’s only purpose should be to filter the air, break wind, and ‘creak’ only when spoken to. All this work for a bunch of thoughtless organics who haunt n’ taunt me by unfurling millions of  little ‘flyers’ every year which they LEAVE all over the place every Fall.  Hmmm . . . maybe I should just move to the Amazon.com since this mulching thing  ‘ain’t’ my ‘BAG’ and I could shake my spear in peace. At least there the RUBBER trees make their own mulch and when they fall down around the hut, it’s delivered  and spread out for FREE!