Valentine Surprise Gamble

Since I have been married longer than I’ve been legally able to feed myself or gamble, I guess you might say at the game of love I’ve been lucky – or at least haven’t CRAPPED out! Yes, despite my curmudgeony fud duddery about most holidays, I have a soft choco spot in my heart, as well as on my shirt, for Valentines day and all of its romantic notions. Who can knock a day truly shaped for simpletons like me where seeing RED is required and wrapping gifts in foil for your ‘goil’ is A-OK, as long as they’re crammed in a blood-colored box.

Don’t worry it’s just the sugar high talking. Truly aside from my bulbous ‘gut-blubb’ to rub and fluffy man-mallow membrane, my head n’ hide are still just as hard to get through as a cellophane sealed heart-box full of chalky chocolate. Even on ‘V’ day my wife expects nothing of me but to remain practical, predictable, and loyal to my nature, as more of an unadorned thorn in her side rather than a radiant rose always at the ready.

So to mix it up a bit this year, beyond a ‘hunka hunka’ of caloric candy love, I will remodel the bathroom and greet my wife’s frosty feet with a warmed floor and toasty heat treat. In our lav, besides me, we have a round, resource hungry and frigid sky-blue commode hung on the wall, atop an oh-so-cold basement with no insulation at all. Yes my un-loved blue-loo has seen better days, so with hammer, chisel and mission true, I must mount a shiny-white low-flow elongated pot, to hopefully NOT miss in on cue.

Of course before I can lower in any latrine or wire the tile to heat up my wife’s feet, I must first cut a big drain hole through the floor. The only problem is that in February around here it is about 35 degrees in the basement and that big ‘ol air hole creates a nice icy exhaust flume right under the current toilet SEAT! Now THAT chill will be the real unexpected  surprise that I give my wife this Valentine’s day, and for me – it’s a bit of a gamble … hopefully some ill-deserved love and WARM praise for all my effort!

Elderly Entertainment

As I mentioned we have guests in the house this week. The in-laws have come to visit so our goal is usually to try and do a few interesting things while they are in town. The problem is that they live in Las Vegas. If you have ever been to Vegas you will know that there is literally endless possibilities for entertainment so how can we possibly compete and keep them entertained?

I know what you are thinking – just lock them in a room and force them to read my blog. Well, beyond the fact that it is very questionable whether this qualifies as ‘entertainment’, in some states it might be thought of as torture. So with all river casinos out, and my humor too much of a risk of boring my guests to death, I must leave no stone unturned in search of some age-appropriate fun.

Then, like a golden vision sent down from the mountain top, it occurred to me – THEY’RE OLD! Why am I working so hard to try and find entertainment when everything I need is already right here, IN FRONT OF ME. One of our favorite games is called ‘Hide the Glasses’. Not a day goes by that at least one member of our troop misplaces (or perceives to misplace) his or her spectacles. Invariably after a search party is organized and last steps are re-traced, the mis-located eyewear will be found on the victim’s own head.

If the oldsters are ever short on ‘confusion’, I will unleash my daughter on them to teach them the rules of random card games. Actually my in-laws are quite skilled at Bridge, Hearts, and a variety of strategy card games. My daughter on the other hand is an expert at making up or informing us all LATE of rules and details that are germane to playing new card games correctly. Nobody of any age can hold up long to the length of these games, constant changes, or much less remembering the mind-boggling scoring and rules shuffle.

By now my in-laws are so rattled that they want to seek some definition where ‘rules are rules’, and justice is swift. So we try to calm them down with a parade of the ‘TV Judge’ shows. There are literally a slew of these type of television shows with litigants suing over tiny disagreements. Is this REALLY entertainment? My goal in life is to stay OUT of courtroom theatrics, not sit in the front row of the jury box with popcorn. My plan seems to work though because soon enough, the elders are drifting in and out of consciousness, only occasionally waking up to comment on an unjustified verdict, or the fact that the judge has changed not only their race, but their sex as well!

Now don’t get me wrong, I aint no springy chicken myself, so much of what I say here already applies to me now or in my immediate future. But until I start getting some serious discounts for dinner, I am going to fight it all the way. In the meantime, I will bone up on lots of card game rules. I don’t want my kid pulling anything over on me (except a warm blankie) when I come to camp-out at her house. Who knows, eventually I may even need burping and an occasional diaper change – now THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT!

Bet on ANY port in a storm

Now I haven’t gambled much in my life. No it is not because I am an exceptionally moral or smart ‘dunder-dude’; It actually has more to do with the fact that I LOSE MOST OF THE TIME. Wow, I haven’t even started yet and I have already depressed myself. But REALLY, my poor gambling track history does not just extend to Vegas games of chance, or cards with buddies. No, I just tend to bet on the wrong things at the wrong time so now I am gun-shy to play Russian roulette.

Take the weather for instance. My wife and I had all day to work on some projects and update the GPS on a Cessna that we use. For some odd reason, we waited until around 3PM to accomplish this rather minor task. Well the reality in the Midwest is that thunderclouds build rapidly in the afternoon so this was not our best plan nor as usual, a GOOD BET for me. Actually the GPS work went fine, but we also had some equipment checks to do on a tiny Piper Tripacer that my wife will be flying with a partner, in an air race at the end of the month.

We watch the weather fairly carefully as it can be a matter of life and death for a pilot. My wife and I weren’t worried actually; even if a storm came, it would drop a few drips, maybe a clap of thunder – how bad could it be? My wife’s under dash work tied her up in a knot inside the little plane. I was holding the door and offering sage advice, when all of a sudden the wind picked up. It proceeds to become a gale force blow and I can feel the little plane rocking on the ground wanting to fly. We had left our car at the front of the building and walked to the ‘north 40’ of the tarmac, so there was no easy retreat. The rain started pouring in buckets and the thunder crashed above us. I was mostly dry under the starboard wing but the wind continued to push more rain my way still.

My wife expressed some concern that I was standing in a water puddle with lightning cracking overhead and tried to make room for me to haul myself up into the plane where at least the rubber tires might keep me toast-free if I said something particularly offensive to anger the lightning gods. So there I was – legs half hanging out in the wind like a fat windsock and the other half crammed into this clown-sized mini plane? My wife and I are stuck in this position for fifteen minutes as wind-driven rain is dripping on my arm and all the other parts attached to my legs. What a pleasant little diversion this turned out to be? Can you now see why I am not a betting man. Too many dark clouds follow me around I guess? I think I need to move somewhere that it doesn’t rain much. Hmmm your thinking maybe Las Vegas … uh, nice try but, NO, I wouldn’t bet on it.

The end of the Riverboat Road

When I moved to the St. Louis area about a decade ago, there were still remnants of its colorful past. I was quickly educated that the Zoo’s birdcage aviary, stables, and Forest Park in general were all part of the 1904 World’s Fair. But probably no other icon better represents the rich history of life along the Mississippi than the glorious Riverboat. At the turn of the century the boats were the work horses in modern river transportation.

My first visit to the Arch also featured a visit to the one and only McDonald’s restaurant on a riverboat. It was docked on the riverfront and a unique way to share a burger and a truly ‘Happy’ meal. I was lucky to eat there because by the Millennium it was gone. Also from the vantage point atop the Arch you could clearly see the Admiral riverboat casino though I never have been on it. Soon it too will be gone, as it surrenders it’s gaming license and place on the St. Louis riverfront by Summer 2010.

My favorite riverboat memory was boarding the Goldenrod dinner boat theater over in St. Charles. I really would look forward to those fun Sunday Matinee shows. Yes, the boat was a little seedy and the food was average, but the experience and history on board was unmatched. Many a famous performer had worked the stage on that little boat over the decades. Sadly it was sold off and removed from the St. Charles riverfront about 5 years back.

So today I see that the old Robert E. Lee replica riverboat restaurant caught fire and burned to the hull in Kimmswick, Missouri. I had the pleasure of eating at the place with my in-laws a few years ago. The food was average for a dinner house, but again sitting dockside on top of a big sternwheeler, looking out over the river, is an experience we will never forget. Its death basically leaves the river in the hands of a few remaining stalwart commercial businesses.

Barge jockeys still move salt and coal up and down the river. There are a few small tour boats with quaint names like the ’Mark Twain’ that roam the Mississippi too. These are little more than highly decorated flat boats with a wheel house and fake smokestacks to entertain tourists for hour-long rides. A few ferries run back and forth between Illinois and Missouri and of course the mighty casino business has flourished nicely as the State’s lick their chops for tax revenue, but they're “boats” in name only.

Yes, the river has quieted somewhat since the days when Riverboats were king. What might have been if St. Louis had chosen the railroads expansion West over the mighty Riverboats is anybody’s guess. The complexion of the country and most certainly Chicago as a major rail hub would have changed dramatically. One thing’s for sure, today would be much the same for the mighty Riverboat – its time has passed by literally and is coming to the last bend in the river.

The REAL lottery winners

Just like everyone else, I feel a tinge of excitement when I hear news of a huge lottery payout. Hey, I’m human after all - we can all use another $100 million or so in the bank for a rainy day - right? No I’m not a gambler in general but I especially avoid the lure of those impossibly long odds of the multi-state lotteries. Even with elephant-sized lottery cash on the line, picking tickets is of little consequence, because I’ve already discovered how to pick the REAL winners!

This was not always the case. Once I made a 50 mile round trip excursion to buy lottery tickets from neighboring Illinois for a friend who lived in California. This particular “Power Ball” type game was not available in the West but my friend had heard that the jackpot had ballooned to $300 million so he asked ‘for a favor’. Yes, along with his $50 “investment”, I WASTED 5 bucks of my own on the off chance that I would not get hit by lightning 5 times first before collecting my winnings.

Needless to say it didn’t work out - I got hit by lightning twice that week (joking) and all that time, gas, and hard earned cash were now gone and just a poignant memory (not joking). So a decade later, I recently noticed that some guy in South Dakota won a massive $232 million dollar lottery jackpot. That is not really what caught my attention however. I understand that the winner took the ‘one time’ up-front payout of only $88 million instead of the 20 year low and slow delivery method for his windfall.

Wow, I knew the tax man cometh, but do you mean poor old Mr. Lucky only gets 38% for his trouble? I guess the government is REALLY working overtime trying to help us? Behind these numbers of course is our State government’s claim how lottery sales are such an important benefit to our schools. A little fact checking, at least in Missouri, reveals that the revenue generated to the State’s education budget is a meager 3%. I don’t know about you, but I usually can eat 3% more or less of something and hardly notice it at all?

Further still, since typically by State law, lottery revenue is a DEDICATED RESOURCE, it must be used for State school needs ONLY. Your legislators will begrudgingly honor the letter of the law outwardly, but craftily, behind closed doors, ignore its spirit. By simply shifting discretionary funds that would have ordinarily gone to education over to something else, your lawmakers use lottery revenue to REPLACE school funds NOT ADD to them.

Now that you understand who the big winners are in the lottery lore, do yourself and your loved ones a favor – DON’T WASTE YOUR MONEY! If you want to beat the odds and have a better life for your family, run don’t walk to that school you park your kids in and DONATE 25% of your former lottery gaming budget to school supplies or equipment. 100% of your donation will go to where it’s intended (plus it’s tax deductible), and you’ll have 50% leftover to put into an INTEREST EARNING savings account. Oh yes … that final 25%? Well you need a reward for being so smart – so take the family out for an impromptu ice cream celebration! Now I'd BET you know how to pick out the REAL winners too?!