Prime 9 signs it is high time to vote!

Oh boy it’s your favorite time of year again. No it can’t be your birthday (unless you're eight), Christmas (unless you're WalMart), or even Hanukah (unless you're Hawaiian). No it is VOTING TIME again – perhaps the most titillating time of the year for computer-bound bloggers and brainy Hooters girls? Hey don’t scoff at the notion – I covered myself with the ‘perhaps’, on the off-chance that some of you may not agree. In any case, today is the day when we start to see the signs that the worst of the political season is behind us, and indeed there is a glow-stick at the end of the tunnel. So AFTER you mark your ballot, pat yourself on the back for a job well done and review these Prime 9 memories of how you knew it was time to make some really tough guesses … uh CHOICES. Enjoy!

1) You madly rush around trying to choose your candidates based on who has the ‘prettiest’ and most colorful yard signs.

2) Robot auto-dialers have grown tired of repeating their taped messages and simply breathe heavily into the phone - which you find oddly arousing.

3) You vote for your candidates based on how many times they HAVE or HAVEN’T uttered any of the phrases ‘change’, ‘Tea Party’, or ‘main street not wall street’, in speeches.

4) Overnight the daily newspaper has become suddenly only 2 pages thick and devoid of any ‘hard’ news except for the crossword puzzle – oops I forgot, it’s already like that every day!

5) You have to ‘un-stick’ your identification from its wallet window pocket , so the old geezer that checks you in at the polls can fondle it and compare your ‘in person’ weight to the ‘ lie’ noted on your Driver’s license.

6) If your homeless or an illegal alien, you must walk from polling place to polling place casting multiple ballots for whichever candidate has promised you the most cigarettes, malt liquor, and lottery tickets.

7) At Walgreens, there is a rush on fingernail polish and ‘Goo-be-gone’ to try and remove your losing candidate’s stickers from the car’s bumper, office windows, laptop, and your billboard-sized forehead.

8) The entire library system’s collection of 32 copies of ‘Voting for Dummies’ are all returned and re-shelved on the day of the election – inexplicably perfectly crisp and STILL never opened.

9) Global Warming has immediately reversed into a dive towards a new ice age when all of the hot air stops billowing out of those airbag candidates and the moronic TV commentators.

So there you have it the Prime 9 signs that it is voting time again. I sincerely hope you have taken your responsibility to understand the issues and candidates a bit more seriously than my goofy post insights. Our nation depends on YOUR vote for guidance and leadership. Without ‘We the people’ there is nobody left in this Republic to tax and pay for all the stuff that we want for free. So be proud, and help put Democracy in action by remembering to VOTE NOW and VOTE OFTEN!

Milk seems to grow on trees

Despite the popular contention that milk is extracted from mammalian beasts of burden, it is my thinking that the stuff must be growing on trees. The reasoning goes that regular dairy foods of all kinds seem prevalent in every town and store, while even non-standard varietal milk products too, seem to be growing in popularity. Though I don’t often drink it this way, but if milk is left to its own devices especially in warmer weather – just like trees, it will GROW GREEN.

Now I know that most of our milk here is derived from happy cows who are basically kept year in and year out pregnant which results in milk production that humans as well as calves like to drink. I am thankful everyday that entrepreneurs never started breeding pigeons for ‘crop milk’, which is nutrient-rich cottage cheese slime that all good pigeon moms ‘up-chuck’ out of affection for their young. Oddly with human squabs, it is they who regurgitate their LOVE, after their mothers feed them milk or just about anything else.

Around here I am blessed with vats of both white 2% milk for the wife and skim milk for the kid. We also stock a carton of shelf-stable Almond milk for I’m not sure what and powdered buttermilk for cooking. Of the chocolate varietals, we have a carton of chocolate flavored soy milk and of course packets of sugar, cocoa, and milk powder to make ‘hot chocolate’. I assume these products come from ‘black beans’, ‘Black Angus cows’, or Coco Chanel, but I am not sure exactly how they are extracted?

I am amazed at the amount of milk marketing that goes on these days. I have been featured on not one, but TWO milk cartons, and I can honestly tell you I am still as lost as ever. I think there is probably something about that milk that grows on trees, which does not make me ‘right’ in the head? Because most of my insanity can be traced back to when I was very young and was hit on the head by a container of milk. Ever since then I have been certifiably ‘COCONUTS’.

The bug-a-day sucker

You know this is not some goal of mine or anything but I noticed recently that on average I find a bug per day in my house. Now what ‘bugs’ me about this is that we spray along the foundation and then at least once per year, we will spray along the baseboards and all of the inside walls of the house. I also give a double dose of ‘death water’ in the garage since everyone knows all insects who don’t fly, drive cars.

The odd thing is that if you go to the garden center and tell them that you found a ‘bug’ in your house, they just scurry away, kind of like a BIG roach. But of course I protest at the dismissive nature of their buggy demeanor, then restate the facts … “no – I find a bug a day in my house so what do I do?” At that point, I can see that I have piqued their interest a tad more and they ask, “What specific kind of bug problem do you have – ants, termites, spiders, worms”? So I say “well you see that’s the problem it is one of EACH of those things and others but only ONE per day and I find them ALL over the house.”

“So you can’t define an entry point like a door or window where they are coming in?” the garden center guy queries. Hmmm, I think to myself – Do bugs need to come in doors or windows like humans, or aren’t they small enough to find any old hole or outlet box to sneak in? Clearly this isn’t helping. I excuse myself and end up buying a huge bag of ‘multipurpose’ killing granules. They recommend keeping any pets away from the stuff so the application by sled-dog is out. This is a man’s job, or more likely a task for the neighbor’s kids when they come around looking for easy jobs to do for quarters.

So for now until I unleash the death granules, which look strangely similar to Grape Nuts, I must go around the house gathering up bugs the old fashioned way. The highest tech method thus far is a little kid’s toy that is amazingly effective at vacuuming up insects. This ‘suck gun’ is great at locking the bugs up in a transparent container for later analysis or slow torture by magnifying glass on a sunny day. I also have a ‘wand’ of sorts that has a little slide door on the bottom and I can trap spiders alive and then take them outdoors to ‘return to sender’. Many times I still resort to a newspaper or magazine to inflict an execution upon crawlies like roaches, but then it requires a spatula to remove the unwanted pest and I use those things to flip eggs in the morning (the spatulas not the bugs). Uh Oh – my spidey senses are tingling … I’m sure somewhere in this house an insect is planning a RAID this very moment. I had better go double check to make sure all the doors and windows are closed and LOCKED!

I have hang ups

I know sometimes you just have to face your demons and put everything out on the table for the world to see. I hope you will not judge me when you find out that indeed, NONE of the hangers in my house match! You would think if you went to the same dry cleaner every week, then at least some of the hangers would look the same? I would pay more attention to this issue, but I usually get distracted by those dry cleaning plastic bags. Did you know that those things make GREAT toys?

Hangers around here are like socks. Despite my best effort to round ‘em up like long lost cattle, it always seems I come back with a hamper full of odd-ball hangers if hangers at all. Is that normal? Do you think there are Australian elves hiding somewhere in the house stealing hangers and ripping out their hooks to make their ‘factory seconds’ boomerang quota? You have to watch those crafty members of the ‘Brotherhood Union of Gnomes, Leprechauns, and Elves (BUGLE). Yeah, they’ll ‘ trumpet’ their work ethic, but as soon as your back is turned, oddly another hanger (and sock) magically ends up missing.

Even though none look the same, I do have a wide variety of clothes hangers. I actually like the cheap wire ones quite a bit because the clothes compact well in our overstuffed closets. No doubt they bend too easily, but that is actually a great asset for an absent minded mental giant like me, who locks his keys in his car so often. Our second most prevalent hanger is the thicker plastic round type. I always wanted someday to color code these to match the color of the clothes. The only problem is that ALL our clothes are issued in a distinct shade of ‘prison’ gray, or have become that way after years of marginal washboard cleaning.

We have some nice wood pants hangers and other odd-ball versions with clips, rubber, or foam padded arms. Quite a few of the hangers have notches or hooks all over them for dress straps or slips. I personally keep my dresses folded in a drawer away from prying eyes, and the only slips that I’ve acquired in quantity are PINK in color. I guess I really need to clean up my act huh? I admit it, I do have a few weird hang-ups in my personal closet. But you have to understand, the bats are my pets, and a source of valuable, nitrogen- rich fertilizer for the garden. I may change someday but ‘don’t hold your breath’ – it’s a lot more fun to play inside a dry cleaner plastic bag and let it do it for you!

Conspicuous Consumption Reset

Although as a rule I prefer to keep things upbeat , airy, and silly, I’m going to hit you with a caveat from the heart. Today the family and I ventured out to an Estate sale. Yes, no big deal since I have written many times about our recreational shopping excursions at garage sales, thrift stores, and even in dumpsters.

But this sale today was a little bit different since it was held in an upper class section of St. Louis (no jokes please as I have already written ALL of them on this topic). Immediately upon entry to the foyer of the house, I knew this was going to be an enjoyable adventure. We were greeted with an ornate giant bronze fountain priced at $8000. Now believe me this hunk of iron WAS expensive but there was no doubt in my mind that it probably cost the owner close to double that. Even if I had ‘8 large’ burning a hole in my piggy bank for a one ton water fountain, I would spend half that amount again just getting it trucked to the house, site prep – well you get the idea.

We continued through the house and though the visual treats of opulence continued in every room, I noticed something else too – ORDINARY things. I mean really ordinary things, like lunch boxes, shoes, kids books, water glasses, kitchen plates – stuff people use EVERY DAY? In the garage, the surprises continued as it was clear the owner was a high-end house builder and a local councilperson for the city. He had won tons of ‘quality’ awards and received recognition from all strata of society for his contributions to helping promote home ownership and ‘develop’ the local economy.

By now, you are assuming this is a tale of a ‘big shot’ who lived beyond his means and suffered the plight of countless other hard-working souls in this recent economic downturn and went bankrupt. Well you are half right, but the story has nothing to do with the economy - the owner was a crook. He ran a Ponzi bank scam to take new home deposits to cover his expenses. He would borrow funds from company accounts to always try and stay one step ahead of his spending habits, cocaine use, and bank fraud crimes. Eventually the FBI got involved and in the end he got caught and convicted to the State pen for a 51 month sentence.

Now what’s the big finish moral to this depressing story? Well I’m sure every day you and your kids are bombarded with ads, neighbors, and workmates who are always ‘in need’ of pitching MORE. You know those folks up the street – the Jones’? Yeah they just bought a new Mercedes and a Pinball machine – “why don’t we have that stuff too since we obviously deserve it?” Do yourself a BIG FAVOR and get off this train to nowhere and FAST. I am all for you blowing your cash any way you please as long as you know that your reserves and lifestyle are adequately in check. If you start finding yourself heading towards a cliff of working MORE simply to keep up with MORE debt, MORE wants, and MORE TROUBLE, then remember this ‘un-fairy’ tale and stop - RESET. Do you think this guy’s kids needed all the best new video games or clothes, or could they have benefited a bit more from having a normal life, with ordinary stuff and an ORDINARY Dad at home instead of in prison? Think about it, I sure did … and then I went shopping – for handcuffs!