K2 Exposed! (Not the mountain or skis)

Most recently, K2 has become the ‘hot’ new term de jour in the Midwest. No the newsies are not talking about the mountain or famous ski gear; this is something new that has hijacked the same name – INCENSE? Uh-Oh I have lost you. There is no way you are going to trod through endless paragraphs to become enlightened about some holdover hippie olefactory delight right? Well I would be right with you abandoning ship if it were only the smell that made this topic NOSEworthy!

The geniuses buying this stuff are not satisfied with the faint whisp of the herbal splendor of embers which is the true nature of incense. No, these oh-so-cool dudes have decided that K2 is BEST when it is nefariously packed into a water or hookah pipe and the smoke is inhaled with asthmatic gusto. Apparently the ‘hot stuff’ gives the user a euphoric buzz akin to Marijuana though I have no experience first-hand in what that exactly means? Whenever I need a little extra jolt of euphoria that caffeine cannot provide, I simply lick the terminals of an Energizer 9 volt battery for an electrifying release of metallic flavored bliss!

I think it is safe to say that this “new use” of K2 is not being looked at kindly by legislators and local law enforcement for fear of losers going wiggy, or worse killing themselves. So far the stuff is legal to buy but that will probably change in the near future. I understand the pressures on society but at some point it becomes almost impossible to prevent people from finding new and creative ways to abuse themselves. Who still finds it a mystery that breathing in ANY TYPE OF SMOKE is probably a bad idea? Have these Rhodes scholars ever been around a campfire when the wind shifts? I mean just about anything you burn and breathe in is absolutely revulsed by the untrained body and respiratory system.

I am further irritated that K2, a perfectly safe and gentle name with properly established conventions, has been co-opted and stained by some lowly wanna-be street punk drug of ’doobie-us’ reputation. After all, I have spent many a happy hour deftly (why are you laughing?) cutting a swath through fresh powder on ultra-famous K2 skis. The name is supposed to call to mind the vision of the ultimate majestic and famous Karakoram mountain at some 28,000+ feet of oxygen-free elevation.

I mean if the romance alone of scaling a big rock with the second highest climber fatality rate (1 death for every 4 attempts) isn’t enough, as a bonus, the thing is hanging above Pakistan. As if gasping for air, facing unbearable cold, and a savage climb isn’t enough to kill you – then those Bin Laden looking drones hanging around probably will.

Hmmm, maybe I should re-think the consumption of this new designer Mary Jane, incense peyote? It is starting to sound far safer than my obviously dangerous geology fetish. I guess my predicament is what’s called “being between a rock and a space case”?