Top Ten Either/Or signs you're TOO fat...

1) You need several friends to cut and bag your toenails OR a full-length mirror to even see them yourself.

2) You are seriously considering buying an infomercial personal hygiene wand OR your entire bathroom is actually a really giant bidet.

3) You’re the Hollywood director Michael Moore OR your shadow does not fit through a patio door even on a cloudy day!

4) When you’re forklifted onto a plane OR they automatically hand you a seat-belt extender and a case of Mountain Dew.

5) Your personal weight scale audibly grunts when mounted OR your Body Mass Index is 100%.

6) When you walk, glasses of water shake like in Jurassic park OR your footprints leave permanent impressions on carpet like furniture.

7) The bus dangerously lists to your side even when everyone else is sitting on the other OR you must hold the steering wheel by keeping your chest at 10 & 2

8) The sleep number on your bed is 300 and still seems too soft OR you’ve resorted to bedding down in a McDonald’s ‘Play land’ ball pit.

9) When heading for the backyard hot tub, the neighbors send nag-o-grams citing violation of the association ’no Rhino’ clause OR prior to entry, your pool must be drained for fear of downstream flooding and levy breaks.

10) The kitchen fridge is labeled “Chickens” and the basement one is marked “Pies” OR the’ Ice in door’ levers are modified to dispense shredded or cubed pepper jack cheese.