A Theater at HOME

I have never completely understood the term Theater Seating, especially when it comes to high-end home furniture installations. Even in the best theaters I have been in, for the price of admission I usually get a slightly soft, stained, springy, upright red velour seat with the obligatory cup holder in one armrest. I mean they are fine chairs really but they are definitely NOT full sized recliners made of luxurious suede and rich Corinthian leatherette?

Now all the rage is to take any TV bigger than a bread box and stick a row of reclining chairs on steroids in front of it and call it a ‘Home Theater’. Who really wants this? First off, I don’t know about you or your budget, but nobody, NOT EVEN ME, is worth a piece of furniture that costs around $800 a seat! I’ll just stand up at my Super Bowl party, and you can hold your own dumb cup of punch as long as I can save a wheelbarrow full of cash.

If you want the true theater experience, then just go to the kitchen and dump all of your trash out on your living room floor and then sit there and watch a movie. But first make sure you strategically place your kid, wife, or dog somewhere in front of you so their big heads block at least some of your view of the screen no matter how you gyrate to see. Don’t forget to invite over at least two friends with a colicky baby or two. It is important to give your home theater that realistic sound of REAL crybabies in genuine Dolby stereo surround sound.

All of your guest ‘babies’ at your Home Theater will demand popcorn. These days all you’ll be serving is corn hulls from those greasy microwave bags. If you are adventuresome and still have a gas-topped stove you can try to pop a foil hernia of Jiffy Pop over the flame but it can’t compare to the real theater stuff. That cholesterol-laden coconut oil, popcorn bucket at the theater is ALMOST worth the ticket price alone. And oh yeah, don’t forget that armrest cup holder and stained chair – by Home Theater standards, that should only set you back another $780 or so. What a bargain?