Beds – a royal pain

Beds and I do not always get along. I’m not sure quite why that is but I have always been a bit of a vampire. It is not that I don’t sleep, it is just that I don’t sleep where I am supposed to. I might sleep on a chair, couch, floor or random laundry machine; as long as I have something soft for the head and somebody to steer the car, I can sleep almost anywhere. My bed is inviting as well as comfortable and big enough, but it still doesn’t seem to exactly fit?

That’s the other thing – why are the bigger beds called KING and QUEEN, and then magically we toss out the deck of cards and switch away to the very ‘non-Royal’ terminology of FULL or DOUBLE. Clearly, somebody was consuming alcohol when they named the TWIN bed for a SINGLE because those terms are exact opposites of each other? Why do some beds like mine, have rails, while other adult beds do not? Why do we only bunk twin beds instead of King or Queens. Can you imagine the HORROR of trying to make a King bunk bed?

THAT is part of my problem - making the bed. I will begrudgingly make it because I can’t stand the look of a disheveled bed. Of course as soon as you even get near it, much less get into it, it’s instantaneously wrinkled and the sheets and pillows are sliding off the edge. Why is it that except for twin sheets, all the other beds are ALMOST square but not quite? So when trying to make a bed, I will always choose the wrong side of the rectangle. I won’t know it until I am almost done, but there will be plenty of sheet from head to toe, but only enough to tuck in ONE side.

And what’s the deal with the ‘Extra Long’ bedding and that meaningless ‘CALIFORNIA QUEEN’. I even used to live in California and nobody knew what it meant. Yes, it is supposed to be a few inches longer or wider but who can tell and who can remember except bed bugs and salespeople? When I think of the words “California” and “Queen” together, frankly beds are not the first image that comes to mind. Why not continue the whole regal naming thing instead with something like PRINCE, DUCHESS, or my favorite for those vibrating beds, the SHAKESPEARE! Nah, by the time they get back to naming beds after decks of cards, the only one that will truly SUIT me will be the JOKER!