Friday, March 11, 2011

‘Cents-less’ Financial Opportunity

In these tough times wouldn’t it be nice if somebody sent you out a random notice that you will receive 3.5 million dollars or more in cash for little effort. Amazingly I seem to get emails nearly every week from incredibly generous people. I frankly did not know finance managers from so many far away countries had that much extra cash stored up in their bunkers or under their beds. Apparently the citizens of the good ol’ U.S. of A. must really be flat broke, because I never get any letters like these addressed from the States.

Now I like the idea of a tasty limitless easy-money trough just like any average union boss, but clearly I’m no big shot Warren Buffet. Still all these attractive offers to accept large sums of cash for barely any work does make me hungry to get involved with big business and high finance. I have spent a long time perfecting the art of laziness and I like to help people so maybe I should get in on the ground floor of this chain letter financial opportunity.

The problem is I don’t really have much business acumen since the wife takes care of balancing the checkbook and filling up my tip jar with a weekly allotment of wooden nickels. I’m not sure how much I could afford to offer up to overseas chain-letter recipients to cash my checks anyway. Most people I know have long ago shunned my checks since they are pre-printed on rubber and in a delightful shade of ‘stop sign-red'ink. Maybe instead, my chain letter should offer up the chance to use my ATM card to retrieve those big commissions while moving millions in untapped cash. Oh I forgot that won’t work either since I have been banned from the ATM drive-up and I have a kid in college. Clearly, my keg of cash is already happily tapped and well drained.

Truly it sounds like the bank will probably discourage me from this chain letter financial adVENTURE anyway. No it’s not my ultra-slow transaction times or the fact that I take not one, but TWO cookies and a cup of coffee in the lobby. The bank will surely FROWN upon this activity but when making a deposit, I can’t help but make faces back at them too in those nosy little teller-window cameras. Uh Oh, I’m well on my way to yet another financial opportunity. I had better stock up on those bank cookies and candy because it’s obvious that the BIG sucker being lobbed out of the lobby clearly has no CENTS!