One of the facts of life is that all babies need their faces
wiped along with other parts of the body on a regular basis. While I accept
this premise as a necessary evil for MOIST newborns, I am terrified of the
prospect for myself as a dried up prune, rapidly marching toward geezer-dom into
an even bigger n’ balder baby Huey. No I
haven’t succumbed to the allure of full blown portly Pull-Ups yet, but I do notice
the craggy corners of my mouth retain more nutritional supplements than just a
few years back.
If you thought leftovers were unappetizing before, try
finding them several hours later stuck to your cheeks - inexplicably even if
you’ve been wearing pants all day. Yes, I am not sure if with old age I’ve
become less skilled with a spoon or if nature has cruelly called and
out-sourced my mouth’s nerve-endings to send them to my aching knees n’ amazing
feets. These days barely a meal goes by
where I cannot crustify and justify a doubled-up napkin three times over after
an overflowing feed-bag feast.
You would normally think pigging out on Pablum and the
skills required to clean up afterward would become easier with perennial practice
and advancing age. After all, I should now be fairly low maintenance since unlike
real babies, I sit in my high chair willingly and can burp myself without being
bounced. However as I get older, no matter how carefully I conspire to consume
crumbs, when the plates are purloined, I’m always the dude with the food left ringing
both face and placemat.
Since it’s rare that I have Wet-Naps in my wallet, I have
asked my wife repeatedly for a wet nurse instead, but for some reason she finds
my 'hygiene-ks' droll and says my idea is all wet. She’ll be sorry though when I
soon turn to the ‘bottle’ to deal with my loss of dignity, self-respect, and a stubbled
chin stuck shut from last night’s DIN.
I hope my wife likes cleaning cruton-coated big babies, or if that’s not challenging
enough, in a few years she can look forward to wiping something far lower on
the 'spewed-food' chain - a ‘DIRTY old man’!
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