Yes the civilized Brits are excitedly waiting with Branston
baited breath to see the birth of a new Royal runt soon, but c’mon I don’t get
all the colicky fuss. Let’s face it no matter how you revile the tiles, unless the
Scrabble babble turns into a ‘battle royal’ your word-score is still only gonna’
be 9 points. Only if the tot’s got three
6’s on its soft spot, regardless of sex or how much royal treatment it garners,
it’s STILL just a goo-goo goop-machine to me.
So soon enough the Duke (formerly known as Prince) and
Duchess are going to be in need of a few HUGgies when they heir their dirty
laundry in public for the first time. Since the arrival of this blue-blooded famous
fetus is so highly anticipated, I assume nobody wants the tot delivered by
Royal Mail since at best it will be very late or at worst never arrive at all. Stateside
the only truly rich ‘Royals’ happen to be a lackluster hapless n’ bat-less
baseball team and a box of tasty choco puddin’ - both of which can be easily
BEATEN with milk.
Hey but I too was gifted with a high brow heritage and
un-earned praise from loving parents who knew my true future claim to fame would
be the ‘royalest’ of pains. I’ve
tried like the ‘Dickens’ to live up to my folk’s Great Expectations but
unfortunately despite my love of the
theater, red velvet, and fab Freddie’s Mercury I’ll never become Queen Latifah. Luckily I still have a little lyin’ left in me and an outside shot at King;
but it all really depends on if I’ve got the royal jewels to snag a catsup-covered
cardboard crown from a burger joint and ‘double decker’ all my checkers.
Oh who am I kidding nobody except for my wife cares that I
habitually stick out my pinkie finger when I say ‘Howdy’ to high tea or a
highball. Clearly no matter how much I try, I’m still ignorant of long standing
old world traditions across the pond, probably because I primarily make it my
mission to sit most of the time. You see around my dungeon-less crab castle after
I’m dealt a big chili-mac snack and draw a deep desire for a royal flush, it’s
smarter to have fewer people waiting in
line for the throne rather than a full house!
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