Thursday, July 18, 2013

Royal Baby WAIT

Yes the civilized Brits are excitedly waiting with Branston baited breath to see the birth of a new Royal runt soon, but c’mon I don’t get all the colicky fuss. Let’s face it no matter how you revile the tiles, unless the Scrabble babble turns into a ‘battle royal’ your word-score is still only gonna’ be  9 points. Only if the tot’s got three 6’s on its soft spot, regardless of sex or how much royal treatment it garners, it’s STILL just a goo-goo goop-machine to me.

So soon enough the Duke (formerly known as Prince) and Duchess are going to be in need of a few HUGgies when they heir their dirty laundry in public for the first time. Since the arrival of this blue-blooded famous fetus is so highly anticipated, I assume nobody wants the tot delivered by Royal Mail since at best it will be very late or at worst never arrive at all. Stateside the only truly rich ‘Royals’ happen to be a lackluster hapless n’ bat-less baseball team and a box of tasty choco puddin’ - both of which can be easily BEATEN with milk. 

Hey but I too was gifted with a high brow heritage and un-earned praise from loving parents who knew my true future claim to fame would be the ‘royalest’ of pains. I’ve tried like the ‘Dickens’ to live up to my folk’s Great Expectations but unfortunately  despite my love of the theater, red velvet, and fab Freddie’s  Mercury I’ll never become Queen Latifah.  Luckily I still have a little lyin’ left in me and an outside shot at King; but it all really depends on if I’ve got the royal jewels to snag a catsup-covered cardboard crown from a burger joint and ‘double decker’ all my checkers. 

Oh who am I kidding nobody except for my wife cares that I habitually stick out my pinkie finger when I say ‘Howdy’ to high tea or a highball. Clearly no matter how much I try, I’m still ignorant of long standing old world traditions across the pond, probably because I primarily make it my mission to sit most of the time. You see around my dungeon-less crab castle after I’m dealt a big chili-mac snack and draw a deep desire for a royal flush, it’s smarter to have fewer people waiting in line for the throne rather than a full house!