Friday, May 6, 2011

ONE size matters

Does anyone know who decides the official sizes of stuff because I’ve got a jumbo BEEF with them. If you decide to manufacture extra large hot dogs and call them ‘JUMBO’ then you need to grind up more goo and truly make those dogs noticeably larger than cocktail wienies. Even foot-long hot dogs are only about 9 inches at best which makes those fancy franks 25% short of a full ‘furtter’.

Buying shoes for my giant-sized calloused dogs is equally frustrating. Some things don’t get better with age so over-ripe Kong feet are one of them, and consistently sizing footwear is another. Can’t the world’s rubber and glue gods choose just ONE unit of measurement (preferably ‘feet’) for shoes and stick with it? Even if my feet-flops are made in Bangladesh, Burma, or the bastion of New Balance, Boston, my meaty tarsus and toes can’t possibly be a size 11 through 13 all in the same day!

Also somebody should explain why all dryer sheets are the same shrinky-dink size? Since loin cloths for most cave dwellers like myself come in varied lengths and widths, depending on orientation, why can’t I buy dryer sheets in full, queen, and king size as well? The same rule should also apply to facial and toilet tissue, though in a pneumatic pinch, a burly roll of paper towels can do nicely - in both the North and the South.

Bed sheets all seem to be correctly sized, at least for those who possess identical children, have just eaten, or know Californians named Mary. This is important not so much for bed-making as it is for shroud shopping. Yes as long as you remain hoodless, it doesn’t matter how many X’s in front of L’s you are, because sweet sheets beat all when it comes to the impossible variance of sizing togs.

So now that top ‘dawg’ of sizing knows why I have a femur to pick and a too-tiny sheet of Kleenix to pick it with. It doesn’t take a Great Dane or even a mediocre German Dachshund to understand, like buffets and bank accounts, only ONE size matters as long as it is YOUR size. Especially on a blustery day, you landlubbers had better heed my advice and choose the smaller sheets though. Because no matter how big a dog you think you are, finding yourself ’3 sheets to the wind’ is one GIANT headache and a guaranteed trip to the pound.