Thursday, May 2, 2013

Fragrant Gourmet

Recently due to my daughter’s worldly travels I have become aware of people consuming gourmet oddities like snake wine, elephant ear fish, and baby octopi served with bone marrow. I’m no transplant or culinary expert but isn’t bone marrow what dogs like to gnaw on when doing humiliating tricks for their human overseers. Maybe it’s just me belly-aching but I cannot see what tasty treat EVER has exited or been named after an EAR or anything associated with the word LOBE?

Let’s also establish the fact that pickling weirdo creatures inside jugs of alcohol and calling it ‘cool’ is nothing more glamorous than saving ‘specimens’ to dissect later in a high school biology class. I’m thinking then why don’t I do this with members of my own dog pack and save some costs, space, and time of those fancy-schmancy burrowing rituals.  In addition to fermenting a tasty brew for the accompanying wake, if my own flesh n’ blood beverage is well received it will give a new an even more special meaning to the term ‘LOVED ONE’!  

I don’t mind being adventurous with the types of sprinkles on my donuts or maybe the occasional pair of gray socks to match my long ago white silken skivvies. But what’s this fascination with gourmet geeks savoring goo that normal folks would ordinarily scrape off boots and palm off to stupider siblings as hot PIE?  Please waft, cough, and wave your fragrant fetid foods in your own direction and if it’s still moving, slimy or contains eggs that don’t come from crates then keep ‘em to yourself and ROE on out of here.

Hey I’m no yokel and have a well versed palette in real food fineries such as ramen, bullion cube stew, and instant grits because at least around this dump-hut, stacks of dehydrated stuff only fit on the TOP SHELF. Anyway there is more class to me than bow-tie pasta ‘cause I don’t need to go gourmet to prove that the size of my cummerbund and my tastes are already ‘out of this world’. You see I can stink up the joint just fine the old fashioned way with over-ripe broccoli run-ins, brown spotted bananas and those steamy HOT dinner dates with a double-sized ‘family’ can of condensed Campbell’s bean with bacon soup.