These days they make those sticky-backed modern medicine
delivery skin patches to take care of just about any ailment a person of pirate
persuasion might encounter. I hear those things work well to prevent smoking
and overeating, but since I still cry and whine a lot, I think the ones to prevent BABIES must still need a
bit of tweaking. Honestly though who cares about all that little stuff – with the
world wallowing in couch potatoes, THAT’s the exact preventative patch society REALLY
needs!
As a card carrying sloth myself, it also got me thinking,
why are these pesky patches only good for STOPPING stuff – why can’t we use ‘em
to keep us juiced on the goo we LIKE too? Since I’m corn NUTS and a self-admitted
hillbilly gourmet, it’s hard to scrape up a daily dose of teriyaki roadkill,
fried bologna, or powdered donuts and dump it all into my face-placed, cavity-laden
cavity. Wouldn’t it make a lot more sense instead to just use a shoe to pound all
that stuff into a SOLE patch and then glue it to my chin, head, or some other fat
n’ flat spot?
Despite the fact that I AM a doctor of divinity (and other
carnival nougat confections), I am no scientist so sizing the patch dosage and practical
placement on the body may present some predictable problems. I’m worried that as the younger folks perspire
and heat up during the day, that happy-patch will start to leak ever faster and
dispense the ‘juice du jour’ at the rate of a blur, down shirts, shorts and
knee-socks too. I certainly don’t want
to be blamed for causing my sweaty biscuit-sized brethren to look like they
belong in Boca prematurely, or worse still, overdose them on a mammoth patch-patty
full of sausage gravy, sized for my own hulking loaf.
Clearly like everything these days, it appears I’ll have to
down-size my dreams and patchy pirate plans to the least common denominator so I can squarely
put my stamp on and sauce-up society with
fairness and waterproof adhesive. Hmmm ... this idea is beginning to sound like it’s
going to get sticky and become a lot of work. If there is one thing I CAN stand
for it is, ‘I can’t stand for a lot of work’! Maybe the brightest buccaneers of
legend n’ lore had it right after all – ‘you’ll raise FEWER eyebrows if you
strap on a patch to conceal the lazy in the eye’. I wonder what size pillowcase-patch I’ll need to inoculate MY indolence, since I’m usually sitting happily couch-bound below decks on my big fat BILLge?
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