Thursday, September 27, 2012

Never Scratch THAT patch!

These days they make those sticky-backed modern medicine delivery skin patches to take care of just about any ailment a person of pirate persuasion might encounter. I hear those things work well to prevent smoking and overeating, but since I still cry and whine a lot, I think  the ones to prevent BABIES must still need a bit of tweaking. Honestly though who cares about all that little stuff   with the world wallowing in couch potatoes, THAT’s the exact preventative patch society REALLY needs!

As a card carrying sloth myself, it also got me thinking, why are these pesky patches only good for STOPPING stuff – why can’t we use ‘em to keep us juiced on the goo we LIKE too? Since I’m corn NUTS and a self-admitted hillbilly gourmet, it’s hard to scrape up a daily dose of teriyaki roadkill, fried bologna, or powdered donuts and dump it all into my face-placed, cavity-laden cavity. Wouldn’t it make a lot more sense instead to just use a shoe to pound all that stuff into a SOLE patch and then glue it to my chin, head, or some other fat n’ flat spot? 

Despite the fact that I AM a doctor of divinity (and other carnival nougat confections), I am no scientist so sizing the patch dosage and practical placement on the body may present some predictable problems.  I’m worried that as the younger folks perspire and heat up during the day, that happy-patch will start to leak ever faster and dispense the ‘juice du jour’ at the rate of a blur, down shirts, shorts and knee-socks too.  I certainly don’t want to be blamed for causing my sweaty biscuit-sized brethren to look like they belong in Boca prematurely, or worse still, overdose them on a mammoth patch-patty full of sausage gravy, sized for my own hulking loaf. 

Clearly like everything these days, it appears I’ll have to down-size my dreams and patchy pirate plans to the least common denominator so I can squarely put my stamp on  and sauce-up society with fairness and waterproof adhesive. Hmmm ... this idea is beginning to sound like it’s going to get sticky and become a lot of work. If there is one thing I CAN stand for it is, ‘I can’t stand for a lot of work’! Maybe the brightest buccaneers of legend n’ lore had it right after all – ‘you’ll raise FEWER eyebrows if you strap on a patch to conceal the lazy in the eye’. I wonder what size pillowcase-patch I’ll need to inoculate MY indolence, since I’m usually sitting happily couch-bound below decks on my big fat BILLge?