Even though I have a reputation as a hard hearted miser,
deep down I have soft side too, but that is mostly due to consuming so much
doughy Wonder bread and starchy white rice. As I have gotten older I certainly
have become more generous, though nobody seems to appreciate a free sneeze from
a geeze or moldy whiff from an old stiff’s scent. Too bad though because I know
if given the chance I have a lot more charity to give the world beyond communicable
diseases, dandruff, death and taxes.
For example, just like ‘nice people’ I unload a bag of canned
goods on my porch for the needy a
couple of times a year, though the racoons have never mastered using a church
key very well to open them. Don’t hate me just because my food supply tends
toward dents and often consists of everyone’s cupboard staples - expired sardines
and Vienna sausages. Yes sometimes I feel bad holding back all of the delightfully
aged, bloated and ‘botulistic’ tins
of Beluga for myself; but I know everyone has guilty pleasures of their own and
I’ve particularly had a ‘tough ROE to
hoe’.
Next to sleeping, I actually have become somewhat of an
expert at sitting most of my life which
makes me one of the most ‘CHAIR-itable’ people you’ll ever meet off your feet. Like
many others I’m sure, I would work harder at volunteering a bit more if the
government would just raise the minimum wage to motivate me to do so. Obviously
given my mental faculties it’s a no-brainer to pass-on a little wisdom to those in need but if they want the most value for
their EBT cards they’d be better off to buy somebody else’s Swiffer instead of
my vacuum.
Out of sheer good will (and having nothing at all to do with
taxes) by early April I try to give the shirt off my back to thrift stores but
it’s too stained and holey so they only accept my barely abused and under-used household
goods instead. Since I truly can’t live without all my Cabbage Patch
collectibles I just donated, I urge my cockeye-wheeled shopping cart back to
the thrift outlet after my stuff is tagged and bagged to buy it all over again.
Not only does this do a lot of good for those billion dollar charities with 80%
overhead who need my cash more than I, but I finally get to find out what my
True net worth is too.
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