Charity’s Net Worth

Even though I have a reputation as a hard hearted miser, deep down I have soft side too, but that is mostly due to consuming so much doughy Wonder bread and starchy white rice. As I have gotten older I certainly have become more generous, though nobody seems to appreciate a free sneeze from a geeze or moldy whiff from an old stiff’s scent. Too bad though because I know if given the chance I have a lot more charity to give the world beyond communicable diseases, dandruff, death and taxes.

For example, just like ‘nice people’ I unload a bag of canned goods on my porch for the needy a couple of times a year, though the racoons have never mastered using a church key very well to open them. Don’t hate me just because my food supply tends toward dents and often consists of everyone’s cupboard staples - expired sardines and Vienna sausages. Yes sometimes I feel bad holding back all of the delightfully aged, bloated and ‘botulistic’ tins of Beluga for myself; but I know everyone has guilty pleasures of their own and I’ve particularly had a ‘tough ROE to hoe’.

Next to sleeping, I actually have become somewhat of an expert at sitting most of my life which makes me one of the most ‘CHAIR-itable’ people you’ll ever meet off your feet. Like many others I’m sure, I would work harder at volunteering a bit more if the government would just raise the minimum wage to motivate me to do so. Obviously given my mental faculties it’s a no-brainer to pass-on a little wisdom to those in need but if they want the most value for their EBT cards they’d be better off to buy somebody else’s Swiffer instead of my vacuum.

Out of sheer good will (and having nothing at all to do with taxes) by early April I try to give the shirt off my back to thrift stores but it’s too stained and holey so they only accept my barely abused and under-used household goods instead. Since I truly can’t live without all my Cabbage Patch collectibles I just donated, I urge my cockeye-wheeled shopping cart back to the thrift outlet after my stuff is tagged and bagged to buy it all over again. Not only does this do a lot of good for those billion dollar charities with 80% overhead who need my cash more than I, but I finally get to find out what my True net worth is too. 

Grinch-mas Wish

Usually when ‘Grinchy’ companies run short on glam, glee n’ glitter as well as biz sense, they hire a consultant to reign in their silly sleigh problems and swing for the fence. It seems Christmas is getting earlier every year, though my presents are smaller and less costly I fear; clearly a reminder for the season is due, before this infestation affects more holidays in view. The last thing I need is New Years on a budget, or still worse yet - a Valentines heart more bleeding than delectably rich choco chocolate.

What’s wrong is that people have forgotten the season and what it’s all about and that it’s for ‘Pleasin’. Oh sure good cheer, bright lights, and snow are all fine, but the longer the receipt then the better the time. Just give me large boxes and fat-filled candy too, since excess  and bigger are always better it’s true.

The REAL Santa is great if you only want one, but legions of red bucket fingering ding-ringers are always more fun after given some rum. Reindeer never smell quite as nice in person, unless you have eggs with the fried n’ sausage-fied tastier version. Who needs to give and a softy spot for the poor, when MY need for lofty stuff and golden swag is importantly MORE. 

Now don’t get me wrong I wish no hit and miss ‘Grinch-mas’ to your nutcrackers or you, nor do I expect special days to run smooth on cue too. I just wish the material world to remember it all, that there’s far more to the season than faith, family, and charity tales so tall.  Remember my practical mantra to take my advice, whatever you buy for yourself,  buy early, buy often, and buy me at least TWICE!

MERRY GRINCH-MAS!!!

My Daring Passage to Goodwill

No I’m not too snobby for ‘o-K’ and ‘Wally-Mart’ but sadly even THEY are too sophisticated for my slow brow quirky tastes in quality and craft. Yes I’m that rare geek breed that heeds the need to feed his penchant for culling through the splits n’ stains at thrift stores. Though the better than new prices are nice, the real attraction for me to these dens of discounts is the ‘love of the hunt’ for the unique rather than just saving money. I know that sounds misguided and frivolous in these tight times, but ‘un-holey’ fashion undies tend to be expensive and I’m always in need of something other than pancakes to press through the ‘ol laundry mangle. 

Though I’m not really a board-game player by nature, I do easily get bored and GAMEY playing them. Despite this fact, I’m always drawn to search the thrift store toy aisle for tot treasures especially since my sister-in-law is coming to visit and she loves to try new games. On a recent rainy-day excursion I was not disappointed as I found an interestingly packaged board game of famous quotes called ‘Daring Passages’ crammed into its own Magnum-sized plastic wine bottle. 

I enthusiastically groped the bottled-up game with fondness and intent to purchase but soon realized that my frumpy presence in a Goodwill, while gripping a big bottle of wine by the neck, did not ‘look’ as anonymous as I typically prefer. Other than by the case, there is no truly elegant way to carry a wine bottle around in a store and I had neglected to get a basket when arriving earlier. Despite my best efforts, no matter how I hugged or lugged that jug, I admit it - I fit the perfect profile of a wandering wino wagging his vessel of  vino for all to see.

Sure enough it was not but five minutes before a jerk of a clerk came to check up on me. I think he came to kick me out of the shop if required, but maybe that was only because I was wearing an over-sized khaki raincoat with no pants underneath? I proved to him that the big black wine bottle was just a board game and he chuckled reassuringly, yet still distrustful of my slurred speech and incessant foot dragging. Hmmm, the next time I visit that place, I had better wear longer shorts, use a shopping cart … and think twice before downing a double dose of NyQuil for breakfast!

Humbling Challenge

Since I have a couple of gunboats that have been apparently mistaken for feet, my wife has decided to kill me with her personal Bataan march towards a goal of one MILLION steps by mid December. While that might be fine if she had informed me a couple of years ago but she must not have noticed they are selling pumpkins in the stores now. So that leaves us with nary two months to complete 8,000 steps per day to help achieve her stupid foot-fungus goal.

Oh sure I applaud my wife’s healthy ambition to pound the pavement and carve off the kilos, but how did I get sucked up into this Dr. Scholl’s delight of daily drudgery? As long as I watch my salt intake and clean up after my slime trail, I kind of like being the resident slug anyway. Street walking in the shadows is fine if you’ve got the legs for the job but it’s my calloused feet and personality that rub people the wrong way. If only somebody could invent a machine to handle the burdens of BIpedal locomotion, I would get on that Midnight express train in a hurry and turn into a ‘BUY’ guy with bells on to seek freedom!

So low and behold at an estate sale last week, the ‘Big Wheel’ himself must have heard my incessant whining and prayed to shut me up. Yes, opportunity rolled over my toes that morning, in the form of a drop dead price on a stealthy, 2+2 on the floor, black electric wheelchair with a seatbelt and cool joystick to match. Now this is what I call living – why didn’t somebody tell us new-age upright primate gladiators about these horse-less chariots before? Once I clean the dirt off between all of its ‘moto-toes’, even I can glide through a million steps in the next couple of months. Better still as a bonus, with this ride I can circle the wagons and DO donuts in the parking lot while I eat glazed ones too!

I mean honestly, chasing the mail truck and the neighborhood wolf pack down the street has never been so much fun, though now climbing stairs and reaching for the choco peanuts on the top shelf is an unbelievably sweaty pain. Currently I’m perfectly healthy, but whenever I ROLL in that chair, my TOOTSIES literally look and feel powerless and it’s very humbling. Unlike the truly challenged who need these wheelies to move-on with their lives, when I tire of complaining about my insignificant toil, I can simply CHOOSE to get up whenever I want. So my choice now is to WALK HAPPILY with my wife, however long she needs, and wherever she wants to go while I still have the chance. Oh and don’t worry about my milk chocolate covered ‘Robo-Rolo’ - I promise we’ll find it a good home with a much less whiney and far more worthy CHAIRity in need!

Redneck Games Reunion

Once again I somehow missed the Summer Redneck Games in E. Dublin, Georgia on Saturday. This is that spoof (sort-of) alternative Olympics started down South when the real five ring Olympics stopped by in Atlanta awhile back. Although the event takes a lot of ribbing in the national media, it actually collects quite a bit of dough for charity, while having a lot of fun.

I’m not so sure what the big deal is though about throwing toilet seats as horseshoes? In Missouri we just throw the whole toilet out in the yard. Actually my nephew used a sledgehammer to break-up an old toilet of mine and we ended up burying the pieces in the backyard. The irony was the toilet rubble was buried to help with WATER control and erosion! Gee I thought that was what diapers were for?

Yeah those Georgian’s down at the Redneck Games have nothing on us Missourians. When we ceremoniously light our BBQ grills here, usually at least one random rodent and a flurry of insects vacate the thing quick. We are not big on Porky pigs feet here, but as I’ve mentioned before just across the ‘Big Muddy’ is a joint that people flock to for Pig snout sandwiches and love ‘em.

So to get in the mood and ready for next year’s Redneck games, I’m thinking of getting one of those mullet haircuts sewn right into a truckers cap. I’ll have to dig around and see if I can find my cut-off jeans made out of the Confederate flag. Though it has been quite a few pounds ago since I wore them, there is nothing quite so nice as resting your sweaty rump on the Confederate flag. Gee I had better be extra careful with those flag pants seams if I bend over though – NOBODY wants to see those Confederates split from the Union again!

Trashy Magazine Overload

If there is one thing I always seem to be drowning in, it is magazines. It really does not matter what the subject is or who in the household originally ordered the things. Once the mags are inside the house they pile up higher than pancakes at a kid’s ‘sport stacking’ convention.

I instinctively know that they are not necessarily valuable, but there is something very pleasing in a stack of random magazines to read. I guess that is why the Kindle E-book reader and Ipad concept don’t really appeal to me. I want to be able to pick up a glossy covered rag and feel the ink come off on my fingers. I want to dog ear pages and fan the leaves to randomly choose an interesting tid-bit or two to read in-between some chore I have to do.

Probably my love for random magazines started when I was very young when houses actually had alleys behind them. I would always find something of interest in the alley trash bins and one house in particular always threw away stacks of National Geographic magazines. I would drag those home to leaf through and study maps, until my parents house was overflowing. Those perfect yellow rectangles with the lush, handsome photographic covers always felt like real treasure then, as they do now.

Most magazines around here originate from some type of reward or ‘bonus program’ for belonging to a certain auto club, being a member of a utility, organization, or charity. My daughter has made it her mission to utilize ‘Coca Cola’ points to buy fitness magazines. That way, In her mind, at least some tangible good can be had from drinking the ‘liquid evil’ of carbonated beverages. My folks contribute to my newsstand stockpile regularly too, with gifts of magazine subscriptions for birthdays, holidays, or special events. Or at least I THOUGHT they were gifts? Maybe it’s really PAYBACK for making them have to forklift out all those crates of trash bin mags when I was just a kid!

FIRST LOOK – Air Race Postcard

To the three or four of you who actually visit my blog daily, you may remember that my wife T, was about to embark on a 2100 mile air race this week. Yeah this little buggy ride will take her and her partner on a circuitous jaunt from Central Florida to the Western Missouri border and then back to Eastern Maryland.

Well RACE DAY IS HERE and begins today at 0800H EDT from Ft. Meyers, Florida. The plane is prepped and the routes are planned. Now everything depends on weather and a healthy dose of GOOD MOJO. I know my wife is serious about this thing because I got a note today, that to reduce weight, she is shipping a bunch of clothes back and an empty computer case. I wisely did not mention that if she stopped eating and went to the gym once in awhile, she could have reduced weight too.

So what’s the deal, are the pilots and their laptop just going to fly around naked for the next 4 days? No I doubt it as I am sure my wife kept a few duds that she can wash the stink out in a hotel sink along the way. Oh sorry, you probably thought flying small planes was all about the romance of soaring in open blue skies as free as a bird. Well forget it. Not only in an air race, but for most of the time in little planes, somebody or something is always in your way these days. You always have to be mindful of the weather if not now, a half hour down the route and it can be VERY unforgiving. Particularly in a race, the pilots will probably close their cabin cooling air vents to decrease drag and will run the engine to peak performance – both are ‘hot’ propositions but not in the ‘cool’ sense.

So yes, unless Mother Nature steps up to throw a monkey wrench in our plans, this should be quite a show over the next few days. The pilots will post live during the race to their blog, and I will post photo updates regularly during each day of the race as well. By tradition whenever ‘T’ flies in one of these charity races, we produce a postcard for the team to carry, sign, and give away in the host cities and airports. As you may remember we had a late plane change this year, so I am very behind in my media production duties.

So consider this your back stage pass into air racing, because other than the pilots, you are the FIRST to see this postcard artwork as it heads to press. Enjoy, and if you have a few extra nickels left in your piglet bank for charity, please consider donating to Wings of Hope. Uh,yeah we borrowed a few hundred gallons of their fuel and it's my guess, they are hoping that we might pay them back? Cheers!

Thrift Store Economics

Beyond the bargain prices, thrift stores actually serve a consumer purpose that people do not often think about. They are today’s modern version of five and dime stores of youthful legend.. Except that now the nickels are greenbacks with pictures of Lincoln’s big head, and the dimes are equal to about 10 bucks.

So inflation aside, the point is that the very eclectic nature of the inventory at thrift stores makes them rather unique and special as a retail enterprise. If you go into Neiman Marcus, you will find designer clothes that few sane people will pay full price to own. When you go to your local Target, while the duds are more in our price range, the fact is that the fashions tend to be geared toward twenty somethings. That’s great for about ten years but then where do you shop?

Now mind you that is not a bad thing to specialize your inventory when you are in a retail business. In fact when you want that perfect ruby studded tack for your pet pony, it is nice to be able to go to an equestrian shop rather than to Walgreens. The clerks typically understand what’s ‘IN’ as fashion pony accessories go, and they can help you choose from a wider selection of pony products. Now these thrift store places get their inventory from EVERYWHERE and ANYBODY, so you never know what you are going to get. (If you must, you can impersonate Forest Gump) You will find high end fashion, and low end dust-catchers. But no matter what, there truly is something for everybody and in any price range.

In many cases, if your local thrift store or consignment shop is fairly organized and clean, it can actually be a lot more fun and PRODUCTIVE to shop there rather than the mall. I know the mall smells better with it’s fresh and fruity new fragrances wafting out of every open door. But just think of all the musty ‘moolah’ you are saving. If you look hard enough, you’ll be able to buy 5or 6 very usable items for the price of ONE thing at the mall. Now please don’t blame me if your closets fill up twice as fast because your money goes so much further. Just smile, pack it all up, and GIVE IT TO A THRIFT STORE CHARITY. That way, you can go there next week and buy all of your old stuff again for just pennies on the dollar!

Elderly Entertainment

As I mentioned we have guests in the house this week. The in-laws have come to visit so our goal is usually to try and do a few interesting things while they are in town. The problem is that they live in Las Vegas. If you have ever been to Vegas you will know that there is literally endless possibilities for entertainment so how can we possibly compete and keep them entertained?

I know what you are thinking – just lock them in a room and force them to read my blog. Well, beyond the fact that it is very questionable whether this qualifies as ‘entertainment’, in some states it might be thought of as torture. So with all river casinos out, and my humor too much of a risk of boring my guests to death, I must leave no stone unturned in search of some age-appropriate fun.

Then, like a golden vision sent down from the mountain top, it occurred to me – THEY’RE OLD! Why am I working so hard to try and find entertainment when everything I need is already right here, IN FRONT OF ME. One of our favorite games is called ‘Hide the Glasses’. Not a day goes by that at least one member of our troop misplaces (or perceives to misplace) his or her spectacles. Invariably after a search party is organized and last steps are re-traced, the mis-located eyewear will be found on the victim’s own head.

If the oldsters are ever short on ‘confusion’, I will unleash my daughter on them to teach them the rules of random card games. Actually my in-laws are quite skilled at Bridge, Hearts, and a variety of strategy card games. My daughter on the other hand is an expert at making up or informing us all LATE of rules and details that are germane to playing new card games correctly. Nobody of any age can hold up long to the length of these games, constant changes, or much less remembering the mind-boggling scoring and rules shuffle.

By now my in-laws are so rattled that they want to seek some definition where ‘rules are rules’, and justice is swift. So we try to calm them down with a parade of the ‘TV Judge’ shows. There are literally a slew of these type of television shows with litigants suing over tiny disagreements. Is this REALLY entertainment? My goal in life is to stay OUT of courtroom theatrics, not sit in the front row of the jury box with popcorn. My plan seems to work though because soon enough, the elders are drifting in and out of consciousness, only occasionally waking up to comment on an unjustified verdict, or the fact that the judge has changed not only their race, but their sex as well!

Now don’t get me wrong, I aint no springy chicken myself, so much of what I say here already applies to me now or in my immediate future. But until I start getting some serious discounts for dinner, I am going to fight it all the way. In the meantime, I will bone up on lots of card game rules. I don’t want my kid pulling anything over on me (except a warm blankie) when I come to camp-out at her house. Who knows, eventually I may even need burping and an occasional diaper change – now THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT!

Celebrate Early, Late, & OFTEN!

Well if there’s anything that I love more than saving loads of cash and finding excuses to celebrate, well let it stand up or forever hold its peace. Uh, ok … I guess family deserves more love; and friends too; yes – I love eating … Oh C’mon, I’m trying to make a point here! Like most people, I look forward to all the fun holidays (and a few more) every year, but all that celebrating can dip into the dubloons if you’re not careful.

This problem has hit home because we deal regularly with lots of different organizations and their event calendars. We also, like everyone else, have all the recurring birthdays, holidays, and greeting card days which never seem to end. The goal is to try to ‘plan’ early for any event so as not to get caught off guard at the last moment. Late shopping and treasure hunting to find ‘just the right thing’ for a party that is a day away is not only a DOWNER, but it is downright stressful and expensive.

So my solution is fairly simple and that is to plan and purchase for your events as EARLY as you can, and whenever you are able, celebrate those stock holidays a few days LATER than their actual calendar date. Before you accuse me of being an anarchist or a cheap Grinch - hear me out. You may already be doing this anyway for your family birthday celebrations but just don’t think about it? How many times have you put off your kid’s birthday party until the weekend because it will be easier scheduling. Isn’t that always MORE FUN for your kids since they can stay up later and enjoy a more relaxed homework schedule? I know a lot of you choose to open Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve too. The earth hasn’t shaken itself to a stop yet, so I think it is safe to say, you are free to experiment with your celebration calendars without fear.

Especially for the costly celebrations which are fixed dates like Christmas, Valentines day, birthdays, etc. – if you buy a lot of your consumables early on sale, you literally can save enough to pay for MORE SWAG for yourself or your favorite charity. Compare prices AFTER Halloween, Christmas, or Easter and how cheap all the decorations, tableware, and even popular gifts become. Retailers always will attempt to sell at deep discounts rather than ship and store all that stuff for the following year.

Now don’t blame me if you carry my advice too far and try to pass out year-old Halloween candy. After the neighbor kids break all their teeth on your old nasty, rock-hard and chalky Reese’s cups, you WON’T be loved. Your own kids will also NOT appreciate getting Chaunakah and Christmas gifts sometime around Mardi Gras so don't be a 'bead brain' and use common sense. The idea is to PLAN and shift the expensive parts of celebrating to FIT YOUR schedule and budget – not the greeting card company's calendar. Try it. If your kids are young, they will hardly know the difference and if they're old - then make 'em chip in with their own Social Security check. Who knows, you may save enough to throw yourself another birthday celebration? But skip that pesky 'AGING' part of the tradition – all those candles are EXPENSIVE!

Vicarious Macho Racer

You know I have never been a big fan of most kinds of ultra touch and macho racing. It is not just that I am perpetually slow or my machines are just as sluggish too. I have never quite figured out what the attraction is to the noise, cost, and risk. I even forced myself to watch a NASCAR race all the way through to see if I could get caught up in the moment. I did find myself oddly attracted to the driver cameras and fancy TV production graphics, so technology thumbs up but the race – not so much.

My wife is preparing to co-pilot a plane in the all women’s ‘Air Race Classic’ in June (43 days away). It was dubbed the Powder Puff Derby in 1929 when it was began by Amelia Earhart and other pioneer women aviators. She will be flying for and sponsored by the Wings of Hope charity. Air races like this fly thousands of miles over many states and are judged more on efficiency than speed. But like any race, the planes are numbered and have to follow strict rules on their equipment, procedures, and adherence to safety.

So over the last few weeks we have been getting the plane ready with upgraded avionics, back-up equipment, and the racing fan favorite – those giant RACING NUMBERS. That is more of a chore than you might imagine. I was amazed at how many type of numbers and racing graphics are out there for homegrown racers beyond the NASCAR set. There are midget car racers, stock cars, bombers, Baja Bug, and even tractor numbers. Some have outlines, shadows, ovals, flames – you name it, you can get numbers in any color and in any font.

So I suddenly see what folks REALLY like about racing. It has nothing to do with the determined drive to win. Nobody truly cares about machines driven with gloved expertise or the labored whine of highly tuned motors pushed to the limit. No it is all about the machismo of the fancy decorations, high profile sponsors, and bold numbered decals plastered all over the vehicle. Maybe I can convince my wife to vicariously live an airplane racer’s speed dream? I can’t wait to put those ‘flame’ decals pouring out of the enormous and manly 135 horsepower motor. I’ll add some crossed checkered flags, a couple of American flags, and oh yeah – those big gaudy, PINK flamingo colored, numbers on the side!