Thursday, September 12, 2013

Family Friendly Plots

Despite the curmudgeon creases in my cranium cover and sour glower from my furrowed brow, I like family fun-time eateries I really do. However even as a much younger ‘Up-chuck Cheese’ buck, my tolerance for the noise and finger goo generated in such joviality-joints has always been fairly low. Even the older-oriented arcades, alleys, or skating stink rinks have always been a challenge to my senses with their chaotic clunks, bumps, and funk gunk at every turn.

Hey I was lucky enough to raise a kid too so believe me I know that big noises and stains of all shades can come in very small packages. But my wife and I did our time in combat and have earned discharges as a ‘childless R’ Us’ civilians now. My old statue of limitations ran out long ago on food fights, the blowing up of animals – balloon or otherwise, and assaults upon unchartered depths of my face holes with anything other than a self-administered cotton-topped giggin’ pole.

The true problem is that the strife in my loony bin life’s already akin to being water-boarded with sound and slime but the whine-line crossed is usually MINE. That’s usually due to the pain of knuckles dragging, heavy breathing, and incessant grunting - and  that’s just whenever I move between the couch and the kitchen. Understandably by the time my wife unchains me at night so we can tether together to take in a hot caloric injection out on the town,  I’m already exhausted over Eustachian tube ringing rancor and shrill shrieks from both soda jerks and their sprouting squirts.

I guess that means in the future I should start shunning those delightful diners which feature a free sundae scoop of ‘FAT gras’ or collections of colorful tot toys to swallow with any meal purchase? Who knew places like those would attract legions of little people with large larynxes and icky sticky digits? You see, brainless, froth-mouthed zombies like myself hunger for family friendly places in which to comfortably congregate as well. Too bad there isn't a place where my wrinkled brethren could find a little more open space that is easy on  the ears so the Monks, mutes, lutes, and ME could comfortably feed in eternal and everlasting peace!