Thursday, January 23, 2014

Self-Absorbed Cheapskate

It may not surprise anyone that I am a cheapskate especially when it comes to expendables like paper towels, tissues, and toilet paper. That stuff is going to end up all wet, abused and thrown away (like my dreams) anyway so who cares if I foul the foremost or stock the shelves in name-brand nose-blow boxes. The problem is that I also tend to quibble when quality is lacking so therein lies my quandary – the delicate dance between the pocketbook and perfection.

Yes when I wolf down a Subway ‘sammie’ while getting coated in crumbs n’ goo is hard on you, I guarantee it’s a lot worse for me with their skimpy single-ply lack-napkin policy. Even if I try to wipe my grizzled n’ chiseled chin to please, any shadow left from my shaver will shred those folded flimsy rags with ease. I can’t afford the famous lumberjack-backed paper towels which are apparently tough and made of real wood to last forever; so I’m stuck with those wimpy prints that melt at the first sight of moisture in my feed trough or behind my ears. 

I don’t want to brag or anything but when my bodily fluids start to flow, absorbency in my arsenal of paper products is a real plus especially if I can save mo’ dough. I just wish God would try tough-talking to the Angel Soft TP crew to induce cost-cutting cues, so when I produce I can confidently sit on a pew or loo without shame, blame or need for a flame.  Now even my Band-Aids need to be triple thick when I ask for ‘em, since my cereal taste like sticks and is teeming with minerals and 12 essential aspirin. 

While the minimalist impact world’s all abuzz about going ‘Green’ with intent to environmentally appease, apparently someone forgot to remind the Kleenex folks THAT’s NOT a good thing when spewing a sneeze. Some say I’m ‘self-absorbed’ but both my skin n’ sleeve do deny, if it’s not blotted the ‘eww-glue’ will crawl off onto you too, like a soggy pet peeve to die. Hey when it comes to the stuff that I want to share, I prefer to do it in writing rather than ON person so keep my paper goods strong and the size of a sheet but more importantly to me - keep ‘em CHEAP!