Every January my mind turns from joyful gift strapping and
family evergreen burning rituals to genuine terror. Oh sure those holiday bills
now due add a few buckets of blood to the night sweats, but the real fear is
that my tax-happy Uncle is lurking in April with his freshly sharpened fangs
and an insatiable hunger in his wallet. Yeah Valentines Day and Easter might
provide a little milk chocolate relief from the heartburn as long as you don’t
mind getting shot by arrows from a little nekkid peanut butter bunny – uh … or
something like that?
What makes ‘Unkey’ Sam so taxing this year is H&R Block
is running this overly happy advert with a glowing and smiling tax preparer
lady telling me how she loves to sift through my complicated steamy bedpan mess
of a tax headache. Where did they drum this girl up from – Chucky Cheese, a prison, or mental
institution? Only if this tax preppie is a Morlock, Vampire, or a rat would she
have an excuse to be so far away from enLIGHTenment. Nobody; not even stupid people who get back
big refunds, can actually be THAT happy about worming their way into piles of
tax road apples.
Yeah I get the fact that the tax addict on TV has a fun job
of telling me anything she wants to and I have to believe it no matter how
little sense the lies make. The last time I was lucky enough to have that much
fun my daughter was only five years old. Yep, I proved to her, until she
started driving in high school, that she could operate the car’s wipers,
windows and lights by simply barking at them in morse code.
So that dark shadow hanging over me and my 8 foot wide interstate
estate is not just another eighteen wheeler parked on the overpass. No it’s
time for me to accept that my Uncle Sam is a morbidly obese hungry HUNGRY hippo
and I’m just one more fleeting mid-day treat to eat and bleat about paying my ‘fair
share’. Well I have news for you dear Uncle, your excessive appetite is rapidly
making you an unwelcomed guest at my park bench covered with the Slim Jim
pickings and Spam scraps of celebrations past. We’ve all read this book before in
high school and I remember the ending
well – when it comes to fat succulent pigs like the ‘Sam-man’,2 legs are
JUST AS GOOD as 4 legs when they are covered in goo on the BBQ … or something
like that.
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