Thursday, January 19, 2012

Fasting food

I like a fine meal of quality kibble just like most old dogs, but usually for sustenance, I’m reduced to scraping the mold from bread heels and over-ripe jars of Cheese Whiz. You needn’t worry - I can afford the ‘good’ cat food; it’s just that I tend to be a ‘fast grab n’ go’, garbage grinding, eaten’-freak . Hey at least I’m not finicky and anyway can I help it that I happen to have a seven course appetite with only the attention span of an appetizer ?

Now the real problem is that the foods which are typically easy- prep ‘mono-meals’ for most, prove to be akin to rocket science for me. Though any kid can toast one, my wife refuses to buy ‘frosted’ Pop Tarts now, since the smell of my frequent stinky sugar fires triggers her un-naturally sensitive Pavlovian gag reflex. Curiously that Pavlov dude and I have a lot in common since THAT reaction is almost identical when my wife READS my ‘gags’ too.

Even the ubiquitous blue-collar and blue-box favorite ‘ Mac n’ Cheese’ puzzles me. No matter how hard I try to cook this gunk I always wind up to my elbow macaroni in a pan of slimy flavorless pasta paste. I think if they marketed a ‘head cold’ in a bowl it would certainly look just a delightfully pale yellow and as a bonus, might even a taste a tad more satisfying too!

Hey don’t whine to me about my unhealthy fast-food eating habits, because if I could just grab a ‘salad on a stick’ without all that drippy dressing, I would try to eat that too. At least I’m not sponging off my friends, sucking down protein shakes daily like those pasty-faced, movie teens and their ‘Type O’ positive personalities. Yes only Vamps, plants and Starfish are fans of liquid diets, and anyway is it too much to ask somebody to make some chow to chew that doesn’t take a Masters degree to masticate!