Thursday, August 29, 2013

A Sucker for Silverware

Despite all their shiny, pointy, and HANDy parts, surprisingly I’m not a fan of the silverware drawer. Being a simple one cell phone organism like myself makes eating already complicated enough without all of the rules associated with directing soup scoopers, tinny tines, and serrated blades toward food. I prefer to paw and gnaw through piles of leftovers rather than perch formally in a proper high-brow dining room, dabbing a cloth napkin to my goo-graced face.

Maybe my problem is that I just don’t understand what all those chrome-colored food tools really do for me other than dare me to stare at the glare over dinner? Let’s face it a small fork usually can do the job of a long one and a huge spoon will twist my tea twice as nice as those junior-sized dudes do. While I understand why loons like me don’t get to touch ANY knives at all, you would think if that silverware table-twins is a rule, dinner hosts should break out both a short and long blades for safe n’ sane folks too.

I think the flies and butterflies probably have got the right idea when it comes to consuming food. There is no need to dabble with a paddle in soup or stab a slab of meat with a fork for sustenance. In fact sadly for me, there probably isn’t even a need to longingly linger over fattening finger-foods for fun when all that I really require for a tasty treat is a built in STRAW in my face.

So you can keep your fancy-dancy flowery runners, mats, and dynamic duos of glistening stainless steel flatware at the formal dinner table. Yes, like my closest insect relatives, I have ‘seen the light’ and have decided give-up spooning and throwing knives at meal-time by giving-in to my moth-eaten instincts.  From now on when it comes to formal dinner parties, I promise to stop complaining and seeing double in the stainless – instead I will get with the program and simply ‘SUCK it up’!