Thursday, August 29, 2013

A Sucker for Silverware

Despite all their shiny, pointy, and HANDy parts, surprisingly I’m not a fan of the silverware drawer. Being a simple one cell phone organism like myself makes eating already complicated enough without all of the rules associated with directing soup scoopers, tinny tines, and serrated blades toward food. I prefer to paw and gnaw through piles of leftovers rather than perch formally in a proper high-brow dining room, dabbing a cloth napkin to my goo-graced face.

Maybe my problem is that I just don’t understand what all those chrome-colored food tools really do for me other than dare me to stare at the glare over dinner? Let’s face it a small fork usually can do the job of a long one and a huge spoon will twist my tea twice as nice as those junior-sized dudes do. While I understand why loons like me don’t get to touch ANY knives at all, you would think if that silverware table-twins is a rule, dinner hosts should break out both a short and long blades for safe n’ sane folks too.

I think the flies and butterflies probably have got the right idea when it comes to consuming food. There is no need to dabble with a paddle in soup or stab a slab of meat with a fork for sustenance. In fact sadly for me, there probably isn’t even a need to longingly linger over fattening finger-foods for fun when all that I really require for a tasty treat is a built in STRAW in my face.

So you can keep your fancy-dancy flowery runners, mats, and dynamic duos of glistening stainless steel flatware at the formal dinner table. Yes, like my closest insect relatives, I have ‘seen the light’ and have decided give-up spooning and throwing knives at meal-time by giving-in to my moth-eaten instincts.  From now on when it comes to formal dinner parties, I promise to stop complaining and seeing double in the stainless – instead I will get with the program and simply ‘SUCK it up’!


  1. Perhaps if we were meant to eat with silverware
    we'd have been born with spoons and forks on our
    fingertips. Instead of fingertips.
    Amd a knife on the end of our nose. Though
    that would wear out our handkerchiefs faster.
    Aw just grab whatcha want and gobble it down!

  2. A sharp spork is all you really need.