Thursday, March 22, 2012

My Superpower RANKS!

I am beginning to suspect that I have some kind of super power but I have not yet realized its full potential. Yes no matter what I get that’s new and improved, within minutes in my possession I will ensure that it is misused and well abused. Apparently I am just HARD on stuff which means no matter if it’s a pillow, poodle, or cheese doodle – you name it, I will likely crease, crush, or disgust it within seconds.

I am not quite sure if shoes, springs, n’ things are just being built more poorly or if I am simply built more portly, but clearly soft stuff ain’t so tough when I plant my hoppers anywhere near my clods. Even with ordinary household paper goods I have had to move on beyond the normal softy two-ply in favor of industrial tough towels which can live up to my rep. Yes you can keep your Charmin and girly nose tissue because my paper towels are not only brawny they have to be so tough that they still have hunks of green leafy bark on them – or at least I HOPE that stuff is bark?

It does not help my ego when I run out the roll and then try to traverse the lawn for a reLEAF and then sink knee deep into the turf and lose a shoe. Oh sure I know it rained a lot recently and MUD hens are part of my DNA since I’m blessed with a chicken-little bird-brain and happen to live in Missouri . But I honestly hate losing a shoe that way because I sort of have my own Marine code when my toes are in a JAM - ‘Nobody gets left behind’. Of course the geezers who spawned me would concur because recently they had gifted me a BRAND NEW set of those pricey footsy inserts to help me walk both more softly with or without a big stick of gum.

I could care less about the $10 K-mart ‘Croc-offs’ but if I buried alive one of those spanking new jelly tootsie pads I am pretty sure something far fatter than my foot will be dragging when my folks find out. So I dug the spud out of the muck and tried my best to wash off the evidence so nobody’s none the wiser. Well that’s not entirely true – aside from one of my toe holders being bright white and the other tawny taupe, the next time I lose a shoe to goo I need to let it lie high and dry for awhile. Sadly you see I am apparently not only wet behind the ears, but ONE foot has become a little RIPE in the arch too, so suddenly I understand why my one and only superpower REALLY STINKS!