Like most non-amphibians, I am not a huge fan of bugs in
general and flies in particular. Oh I know that insects probably are a lot like
us and have their own right-to-life proponents to cheer them on and carry any
colored flag except black. However, I
would prefer if flies and their irritating hairy-legged larvae would find some
other fat and sweaty guy’s watering hole to hang out in after a tough shift
working the manure pile.
I am rarely threatened by the older flies – it’s the young
ones that cause all the trouble and make me want to lash out and grab the first
one I see by the thorax to teach ‘em a lesson. Just because you can dodge
deftly and fly faster than even the Mightiest of cartoon mice doesn’t mean you
have to show off all of the time to get your 15 minutes of buzz.
Even when I have spirited a secret wiener schnitzel snack back
in my lederhosen I have gotten less attention from old rabid schnauzers and shepherds
than I do the rest of the time from vile
virile flies. What’s the great attraction for these ‘first in flight’ flies
fresh out of maggot school to dive bomb as close to my ear holes as possible
without colliding with my head – am I really that ‘hot’ of a date mate? Oh sure
I have lots of attractive crooks n’ crevices for an occasional egg laying
except for the fact that I’m already married and anyway, May-September romances
rarely work out.
You see, just like me, more sedate and selective geezer flies
are predictable enough to go about their business of sucking up and secreting stuff
all day long but prefer to avoid unnecessary conflict by sitting silently on a
sunny sill. By the end of the day they might have enough leftover energy for a stubbly leg bath or enough synaptic wits to ponder the occasional puzzle in the
paper before bedtime. Unlike the crossword in my morning rag though, once ‘stuck’,
the fly’s demise is imminent and no help or a useful Goo-B-Gone solution will be printed in tomorrow’s FLY paper!
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