Thursday, June 12, 2014

Flies LIKE me

Like most non-amphibians, I am not a huge fan of bugs in general and flies in particular. Oh I know that insects probably are a lot like us and have their own right-to-life proponents to cheer them on and carry any colored flag except black. However, I would prefer if flies and their irritating hairy-legged larvae would find some other fat and sweaty guy’s watering hole to hang out in after a tough shift working the manure pile.

I am rarely threatened by the older flies – it’s the young ones that cause all the trouble and make me want to lash out and grab the first one I see by the thorax to teach ‘em a lesson. Just because you can dodge deftly and fly faster than even the Mightiest of cartoon mice doesn’t mean you have to show off all of the time to get your 15 minutes of buzz. 

Even when I have spirited a secret wiener schnitzel snack back in my lederhosen I have gotten less attention from old rabid schnauzers and shepherds  than I do the rest of the time from vile virile flies. What’s the great attraction for these ‘first in flight’ flies fresh out of maggot school to dive bomb as close to my ear holes as possible without colliding with my head – am I really that ‘hot’ of a date mate? Oh sure I have lots of attractive crooks n’ crevices for an occasional egg laying except for the fact that I’m already married and anyway, May-September romances rarely work out.

You see, just like me, more sedate and selective geezer flies are predictable enough to go about their business of sucking up and secreting stuff all day long but prefer to avoid unnecessary conflict by sitting silently on a sunny sill. By the end of the day they might have enough leftover energy for a stubbly leg bath or enough synaptic wits to ponder the occasional puzzle in the paper before bedtime. Unlike the crossword in my morning rag though, once ‘stuck’, the fly’s demise is imminent and no help or a useful Goo-B-Gone solution will be printed in tomorrow’s FLY paper!


  1. Nasty, yes. But flies can be fun to play with...If YOU are
    making the rules. Proof below:
    A KP in the Army used to catch them on the window of the mess hall and put them in the freezer. He would glue litttle
    paper wings on them. When they thawed out they would
    take off like little airplanes.
    I guess he was showing his preference for the Air Force.
    As for you, Mr. Bug-Bait Blogger, put cotton in your ears.
    But check it first for Boll Weevils.

  2. Maybe you should hire Fraz and his hammer.