Thursday, June 19, 2014

Compelling Smelling Revelation

As I have wandered around for more than a half century I have tried to breathe regularly despite smog, pollen, and a clogged ski-sloped schnoz stuck atop my jaws. Since I have apparently been born with hostile nostrils, I have come to accept choosing sides daily when it comes to sucking in air or shooting out organics or the occasional stray legume. What my stuffed potato head clearly needs is a new snap-on proboscis perfectly perforated with a pair of pierced portals so I can breathe heavily on the phone again like other people.

Clearly a long nozzled ‘neti pot’ filled with hot green tea to un-stuff the snuffer is in order and even if it doesn’t work, I still will tickle my adenoids with the healthful benefits of flavonoids. These days my only excuse for green stuff up my nose is the brackish pool water that I swim in though no matter how much I try, I still can’t breathe underwater very well.  As I recall even that rubber-headed mouth-breather, The Creature from the Black Lagoon had a better wet ‘bill’ than I have plus a great set of gills to impress the HAUGHTy girls on the beach.

It’s not all bad though since depending on the size of the fipple I force into my forepart, I can make a pretty impressive whistle to ‘cat call’ to attractive wolves or unattractive cabs that happen by my hovel. Since the prow below my brow is so often closed for business, I rarely have to pump the bilge since my beak’s not subject to leaks or close encounters of the wet kind. If I ever catch myself running behind too quickly or just need a brake after a rat race, I simply tilt my head back and flare the face and brace for resistance from wind and any terrified onlookers.

The REAL problem as I see it is that I have no frame of reference as to how a good or bad performing nose behaves, other than having a pointy one seems better than a flatsy like that Phantom of the Opera nut. Yeah I might be a little too nasal-nosey about strangers olfactory but I just want to be sure that I still smell right and have always smelled, at least as good or only a little worse than everyone else! Hmm, maybe I’ve been wrong to doubt my snout and I should reconsider that my horn is more the norm than I at first thought? I’m sure my thinking will be clearer with a box of Kleenex , a vat of Vicks, and a can of spray paint in an unventilated space, just so I can put my finger in – uh . . . ON IT!  


  1. Perhaps you could get a new nose hose graft, like one from a baby elephant.

  2. Hard to breathe, huh? But the picture of the Black Lagoon
    Creature showed a very well-developed set of gills.
    We think you should get a set grafted on. Call 'em
    "Bill's Gills."
    But just cuz you start "Gilling" is no guarantee you'll
    stop Smelling.