Thursday, June 27, 2013

Sock & Awe

Since I am not known to appreciate the allure of  shoes or the stumps I dump in them, it is only fitting that I make up for my foot ‘fret-ish’ by spending lots of quality time with SOCKS instead! It’s odd that my cotton clod-hopper toppers and I are such good pair-pals, especially since I spend so much time ‘spinning wool’ and looking for half of the whole, asunder with wonder far UNDER the dryer. But nope, I respect those knitted toe holders as my last line of defense between life’s awfully rough road of unpleasantness and official membership in my tribe as a calloused Blackfoot-ed blood-brother. 
I used to prefer plain old white socks but soon I noticed that they all end up grey anyway, so I might as well TOE the line and buy them that way. Yes, with just a quick shot of Pledge on the bottom of my treads I can wander the halls in search of dust bunnies and other floating fauna on-a my FLOOR-a. Of course just like any job which values my bipedal skills over my bisected bird brain, I’ll ‘drag my feet’ but still put my heart and SOUL into the work as a wHOLE-ly inspirational experience. 

Hey who’s kidding who, I can’t pull the WOOL over your eyes since there’s too few ewe left to shave after trying to cover up my two fleshy feet-meat favs. Nobody dusts just for fun but everyone DISGUSTS some so that’s why my best boffo socko specialty is usually kept under wraps! Believe me, I’m aware that with the ripening power of those brown-spotted sock monkeys so low below, harnessing the sweet stench of awesome responsibility with linty digits goes ‘jam’ in hand.

So whether my fleeced flippers need it or not, I do try to HOSE most of the toes with Dr. Scholl’s at least once a month. Except of course for my oh SEW close-knit plane-mates and TSA travel twits, whose proximity and demeanor sometimes bring out the ‘argyle’ Hyde side of my checkered past. For those UN-lucky few who displease I’m not responsible if they wheeze n’ sneeze as I tease, since I always reserve the right to unleash an AIR of hostility from my ‘sneaker-snoods’ Sock and Awe’ noxious ability.