As a TUFT guy invariably I spend some part of my day glaring
and daring to make up the beds around this chicken shack. You would think after
years of stuffing my face and making it soft and puffy, then I would be pretty
good at fluffing up a roost or two into an oversized set of flannel jammies. But
sadly no matter how much I wrestle and wrangle, sheets, pillows, bed bugs n’ blankets,
I never ever seem to get the better when battling boxsprings all surly and
thankless.
First I have never met a more frustrating feat of linen than
that of the stinking ‘pucker-pointed’ fitted sheet. Even my Wally-Mart fat
pants allow for more stretch, ebb, and flow than any fitted sheet will ever know.
I mightily lay and splay to tuck the curly corners down, but invariably first
one point gives way to bed-center then the opposite two, like an irritating elastic
slingshot burrito-ing my view.
Let’s face it, it’s established fact that bulky, billowy sheets
are just too big to wash, fold, and certainly place neatly back on any bed by
one person much less a goof like me. Even ghosts have learned that lesson long
ago and now usually prefer to appear ‘au naturel’ unless haunting a Klan picnic
or some hooded terrorist hoe-down. That’s
why I probably need to recruit an army to spray Febreeze on bed linens and just
leave them in place forever, or Velcro tiny pillowcase-sized chunks of fabric
together to build my own right-sized sheet.
Ok, I know I’m probably not the best arbiter of boffo
bedding unless you are talking about the stuff I pitchfork out for ballpoint PENned
animals like myself. Yes for me less is more when it comes to laying down on
the job, so you can keep your stuffed n’ puffed comforters and your haughty pillow-topped
dead skin sacks for yourself. Like my oak barrel heat-hardened head, (except
for those creaks under pressure), as long as you keep my crate warm . . . I
think bare solid wood makes for
sounder sleep anyway!
Posts
