Saturday, October 9, 2010

‘Fatman’ utility knife without the GUANO!

Though I think I learned to read from ‘Baby Huey’ and ‘Sad Sack’ comic books, I also learned a lot from the early days of Batman and his whiz-bang gizmo technology too. Oddly I was never a big fan of Superman but what would you expect from someone whose comic book heroes were Sad Sack and Baby Huey? To my parent’s horror I identified more with ‘Jimmy’ the loser copyboy or even Lois Lane, than the ‘bespectacled’ dual-persona of svelte Clark Kent.

Recently my wife decided to order me up one of those fancy pocket knives that does a lot more than stab things. Lots of those knives do that but few do them well on the bargain end, so surprisingly she bought a genuine Buck knife with a can opener, a pair of screwdrivers, a slide-out pliers, and of course a knife. Now I know you are a bit disappointed. After all, only 5 toys on a pocketknife? Where is the toothpick, the magnifying glass, and the keen, pop-out ‘killer laser ray gun”? I think if you really had a cool crime-fighter knife like Batman might carry, it would at least come with a soup spoon and nail clippers, right.

Well the truth is this is a REALLY quality knife, better than I have ever owned or even need. I am not used to such luxury as I have been raised opening envelopes by hand and tearing into stubborn plastic packaging and steaks with my teeth for years. Even though this knife only does 5 things, it seems to be designed to do them really well. The plier’s jaws actually fit better together than the stand alone pliers in my tool box? The knife edge will literally cut butter effortlessly and the blade does not even need to be hot!

So to make up for my lost youth and latent desires to beat Batman at his own utility belt game, I have decided to carry this knife every day. Consider it my tough-guy ‘homage’ to ‘Billy Jack’ or some other Hollywood on-screen rowdy. Of course I am a little older now so my gut seems to have spread out way past middle age and well on its way to full-blown fogey status. Since my ‘go go gadget’ belt is ‘fat-covered’ and inaccessible these days, I had to move my new knife to where I can get at it easily if I ever meet a rival gang of geezers. Yep, I tied it to the laces of my Dr. Scholls sneakers - right next to the emergency Beano and Pepto Bismol! ‘Betcha’ Fatman wishes he was as SHARP as me … but not quite as gassy!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

My Swan Song – “365 and still alive”

Like death and taxes, when it comes to goals there is a certain inevitability to them. However, unlike dying and taxation, with goals you have the generous 3 alternative outcomes rather than just one. The first of course is to complete the goal as originally established; the second is to abandon the goal altogether; and the final option, most often exercised, is simply to change the goal to a different, more achievable challenge.

While I will continue to try every year to NOT pay more taxes, I think in the end, it will be far easier to squeeze out another gasp or two of life’s last breath than avoid the tax-collector’s deeply dark, and linty pockets. So it is only fair that if I set a real, DEFINED goal, no matter how insignificant, I should do everything in my power to achieve it right – but then what?

So it is with genuine mixed emotions, I can report that as of today I have completed my bloggy goal. Back in March I promised myself to write 365 blogposts as quickly as I could. For five months straight I wrote close to 23,000 words per month and over 11,000 words during both August and September. It has been a fun challenge to write mirthfully to a daily deadline regardless of mood, interest, and other priorities. Despite that fact, it has also been an incredible amount of work too, and it is time for a change.

So unlike politicians and tenured teachers, before I get truly redundant and entrenched in routine, it is time to wander around the bend and conquer new meaningless goals and personal challenges. Oh sure I will check in from time to time on my blog friends and comment where necessary. I will also continue to randomly write a post or two when I stumble upon life’s glaring absurdities begging for goofy insights and wordplay.

So rather than this being the Pajama Monoblog’s ‘swan song’, I encourage you to treat this ‘auditory assault’ as simply my silver swan’s celebratory bugle and hiss of FREEDOM. Check the archives once in awhile if you need a ‘tickle-fix’ and of course stay in touch. Thank you all and remember … when our goals cross paths again in the future – I’ll be sure to HONK!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Vampires say - ‘Hold the Mayo Clinic’

Am I the only one that hates the ‘Mayo Clinic’ as a name? I never quite get the association between superior quality medical care and high-fat deli spreads. This is supposed to be one of the best medical think tanks in the entire country but whenever I hear references to the Mayo clinic I only THINK of bologna.

I kind of have this same problem with another medical heavyweight entity named ‘Johns Hopkins’. Shouldn’t this place be associated with ‘Hopscotch’ or drive-thru porti potties rather than quality medical care? What would be really terrific if these institutions ever merged into “John Mayo” – now that is a company that could revolutionize the public toilet seat covering industry! If nothing else it would finally explain the age old mystery why restrooms so often smell like rotten eggs.

I know I should not get all hung up on names and try to be more flexible and open to change. I should probably just quietly drink the Kool-aid and join the modern generation where anything and everything goes. After all who cares what a name implies as long as the end result is quality goods or services. It’s just when it comes to hospitals, toilets, and food, these are the mysteries in life that I really want to know what I am getting BEFORE I venture beyond the swinging door.

Anyway who am I to judge, maybe good food and hospitals have gotten a bad rap all of these years? Apparently a group of alcohol pad-sucking Latvian doctors must think so, as they have now even taken high-class gourmet hospital cuisine to whole new level. Honestly, I think even those Transylvania vampires, 500 miles to the south of Latvia, are too chicken to sink their teeth into the ‘Sweeney Todd-esque’ kidney pie or blood sausage. No, like ALF, I think modern vamps prefer a big ol’ bowl of ‘CAT scan’ but of course - don’t forget to hold the Mayo!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

The pleasures of flying

I always love flying commercial airlines these days. Where else do people willingly line up and give away their money to be abused. I mean who wouldn’t want to open up your wallet so you could breathe bad air, drink watered-down soda and commune with sweaty hefty folks and babies with diapers set to ‘Stun’. If I was a little smarter, I think it’s probably better to go lay my face on a hot stove and STILL suffer less pain.

First they grab as much of your cash as possible for a ticket – and what do you get? At least in the old days, you used to get a piece of cool RED carbon paper and an index card for your 300 bucks. Now, I basically get an e-mail with a number on it and hope the airline won’t go broke before my flight date. Next when I get to the airport I get the pleasure of ‘UNDRESSING’ again since I obviously did not get it right the first time? Yeah, the belt comes off, the pockets get emptied, and the shoes are removed. More often than not, I am greeted with a part of my foot sticking out of a holey sock and my first thought after embarrassment is ‘DARN’ that sock.

Next boarding is always a blast. I think only cows and lemmings are better at lining up for the ultimate slaughter as compared to the airline flying public. Now between senior citizens, stroller babies, military, first class, executive platinum, & priority access PRE-BOARDING, there are about 7 or 8 people left like me who load the plane last. Of course since everyone has been de-incentivized to store baggage where it belongs in the baggage compartment, there is rarely space left for my one lonely bag much less my girth.

Who was the bright bulb who thought it was MORE efficient to encourage 200 people to carry all of their worldly possessions in bloated backpacks and oversized carry-ons in the passenger cabin? I admit however, it takes ‘guts’ for a struggling enterprise which is constantly behind schedule, lethargic, and having difficulty improving customer service, to continue doing their jobs as POORLY as possible. Gee I really am out of touch – I thought that was the job of the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT!