Unfortunately, since I have found myself staring at a lot of car rear-ends lately I am getting feverish, frustrated, and a serious case of ‘metal-envy’. No I’ve not gone mad for stop-light ‘BOOTy’ or even got all that angry actually; it’s probably just the bloodshot eyes that are making me delightfully whiney and seeing red. Yes, the allure of driving was fun 30 years ago when I had a one- track mind, but these days piloting a motor car seems to be just a distraction from all the stuff that I am really good at. Given my work history, sadly that must mean I am an excellent and attentive driver.
Unlike humans, automobiles born today essentially all look, smell and behave much the same. Cars may all be branded, colored, and sized differently but just like sugary candy and cough-drops, too much has got to be a BAD thing. I bet if I look underneath all of the stupid modern cars, next to their ‘Fruit of the Loomies’ they will actually have ‘Jelly Belly’-button logos imprinted on them. Whatever happened to cars with real angled metal parts, beltless seats, chrome, and oh I don’t know just for fun - some personality? I don’t need no ‘steenking’ safety stuff – the only airbag in my car should be ME - after a jumbo burrito brunch.
Maybe it is the four rubber wheel thing that is throwing me off? Would it be so bad to mount a ‘lazy susan’ or two under a car or at least a pair of tank treads to try ANYTHING different? Even fish happily embrace a little diversity just to break up the boring bubbles every now and then. How else could you explain the Marty Feldman good looks of the hammerhead shark or those ‘suckers’ of the sea – the octopus.
Hey it’s not like I’m asking for much. I know cars won’t grow fins, swim, or sprout wings to fly anytime soon. I’m no dummy – according to that minty fresh Scope’s trial, stuff like that might take ions to evolve. But before turning hopelessly pruney, I would like for once to sit in traffic and stare at something other than a monotone boring box adorned in RED lights. Oops, sorry – I apparently got distracted AGAIN by my oversized in-dash radio and ‘heavy metal’ 8-track player.