Ok I admit it I am a bit of a ‘pyro’ pirate at heart so
Independence Day always enlightens my life and makes me long for a fuse more days a year to love the smell
of gunpowder in the morning. I do miss my old black powder musket and eye patch
that made opening a safety deposit box at the bank, or boarding a Caribbean
cruise ship so much more fun on Halloween. The sad thing is that as I have
gotten older, my younger trailer-neighbors have a certain expectation that we ‘geezers’
aren’t to be trusted with matches around a BBQ heaping with oily charcoal, much
less bottle rockets, smoke bombs, and firecrackers to light up the night sky.
Hey I still know what ‘Lady Fingers’ are REALLY for, so that’s
why I never object to the wife lighting
my fire especially under the water
heater or those silly pump-up camping stoves. Just because I happen to have the
initials B.C., enjoy fatty Caesar salads and dine nightly by exploding candles doesn’t
mean I was born in ancient Rome. No I'm not so ‘Nero’ to death yet; I’m lucky to have been hatched in more
civilized times where ‘stabbing someone in the back’ or blowing up pressure
cookers in ‘Publius’ only happens in the bad' sections of our bottom of the bird-worthy news rag.
So now at July 4th celebrations, all the young whippersnappers get to goose the good
stuff while I guess I’m the gray geezer relegated
to portray the lunk with the pre-lit punks for everyone else’s ‘double-FLINT’ pleasure.
You would think that oldsters as ripe as me would benefit from bathing more
often in a ‘Fountain of Youth’, though showering under sparks regularly wreaks
havoc with my grizzled sideburns, nested nostril, and wild eyebrow hair. Apparently
the younger set believes no open flames equals ‘no harm’, though from personal experience,
being branded by hot fudge or shot with an air gun south of the equator would change
their tune up an octave or two.
Anyway, what do today’s coddled kids, and even their parents
REALLY know about our nation’s fiery history and the prideful heritage of our Incontinent-al
Congress. I bet none of them have ever
had to even make fire when the chips are down or wherever else gravity takes ‘em
in a pair of elastic plastic old people pants. All I know is at my age you get pretty good at
going independently about your
business all day long so lighting matches becomes second nature, even though it
DEPENDS if the nosy neighbors are
nearby or not.
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