Thursday, July 4, 2013

In Depends Day

Ok I admit it I am a bit of a ‘pyro’ pirate at heart so Independence Day always enlightens my life and makes me long for a fuse more days a year to love the smell of gunpowder in the morning. I do miss my old black powder musket and eye patch that made opening a safety deposit box at the bank, or boarding a Caribbean cruise ship so much more fun on Halloween. The sad thing is that as I have gotten older, my younger trailer-neighbors have a certain expectation that we ‘geezers’ aren’t to be trusted with matches around a BBQ heaping with oily charcoal, much less bottle rockets, smoke bombs, and firecrackers to light up the night sky. 

Hey I still know what ‘Lady Fingers’ are REALLY for, so that’s why I never object to the wife lighting my fire especially under the water heater or those silly pump-up camping stoves. Just because I happen to have the initials B.C., enjoy fatty Caesar salads and dine nightly by exploding candles doesn’t mean I was born in ancient Rome. No I'm not so ‘Nero’ to death yet; I’m lucky to have been hatched in more civilized times where ‘stabbing someone in the back’ or blowing up pressure cookers in ‘Publius’ only happens in the bad' sections of our bottom of the bird-worthy news rag.

So now at July 4th celebrations, all the young whippersnappers get to goose the good stuff while I  guess I’m the gray geezer relegated to portray the lunk with the pre-lit punks for everyone else’s ‘double-FLINT’ pleasure. You would think that oldsters as ripe as me would benefit from bathing more often in a ‘Fountain of Youth’, though showering under sparks regularly wreaks havoc with my grizzled sideburns, nested nostril, and wild eyebrow hair. Apparently the younger set believes no open flames equals ‘no harm’, though from personal experience, being branded by hot fudge or shot with an air gun south of the equator would change their tune up an octave or two. 

Anyway, what do today’s coddled kids, and even their parents REALLY know about our nation’s fiery history and the prideful heritage of our Incontinent-al Congress.  I bet none of them have ever had to even make fire when the chips are down or wherever else gravity takes ‘em in a pair of elastic plastic old people pants.  All I know is at my age you get pretty good at going independently about your business all day long so lighting matches becomes second nature, even though it DEPENDS if the nosy neighbors are nearby or not.


  1. With a few fireworks rockets, anyone should be able to have a good time.