As I have wandered around for more than a half century I
have tried to breathe regularly despite smog, pollen, and a clogged ski-sloped schnoz stuck atop my jaws. Since I have apparently
been born with hostile nostrils, I have come to accept choosing sides daily when
it comes to sucking in air or shooting out organics or the occasional stray
legume. What my stuffed potato head clearly needs is a new snap-on proboscis
perfectly perforated with a pair of pierced portals so I can breathe heavily on
the phone again like other people.
Clearly a long nozzled ‘neti pot’ filled with hot green tea
to un-stuff the snuffer is in order and even if it doesn’t work, I still will
tickle my adenoids with the healthful benefits of flavonoids. These days my
only excuse for green stuff up my nose is the brackish pool water that I swim
in though no matter how much I try, I still can’t breathe underwater very well.
As I recall even that rubber-headed mouth-breather,
The Creature from the Black Lagoon had
a better wet ‘bill’ than I have plus a great set of gills to impress the HAUGHTy girls on the beach.
It’s not all bad though since depending on the size of the
fipple I force into my forepart, I can make a pretty impressive whistle to ‘cat
call’ to attractive wolves or unattractive cabs that happen by my hovel. Since
the prow below my brow is so often closed for business, I rarely have to pump
the bilge since my beak’s not subject to leaks or close encounters of the wet kind. If I ever catch myself running
behind too quickly or just need a brake after
a rat race, I simply tilt my head back and flare the face and brace for
resistance from wind and any terrified onlookers.
The REAL problem as I see it is that I have no frame of
reference as to how a good or bad performing nose behaves, other than having a
pointy one seems better than a flatsy
like that Phantom of the Opera nut. Yeah I might be a little too nasal-nosey
about strangers olfactory but I just want to be sure that I still smell right and have always smelled, at least as good or only a
little worse than everyone else! Hmm, maybe I’ve been wrong to doubt my snout
and I should reconsider that my horn is more the norm than I at first thought?
I’m sure my thinking will be clearer with a box of Kleenex , a vat of Vicks, and
a can of spray paint in an unventilated space, just so I can put my finger in – uh . . . ON IT!
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