Thursday, May 24, 2012

Pillow Talk

OKdespite my puffiness, maybe I’m not the best guy to judge all things pure and downy-soft like pillows, since my pin-head is as hard as a bowling ball and always in need of a vigorous degreasing. Despite that handicap I actually prefer my pillows fairly plain, flat, and lifeless, like an envelope marked RUSH in the hands of a postal worker. I just don’t get how some people willingly choose to sleep on a mountain of goose stuff even if it IS encapsulated between a cotton case with the ‘Do not remove’ tag still attached.

I mean you DO realize that you can REMOVE a few pillows from your bed don’t you and the world economy will still continue to function right? Don’t worry, as intrusive as the government wants to be with our mattresses, I really don’t think they’ll have time to enforce those pillow tags rules. The truth is that ever since stuffed animals came on the scene, my pillows are now more like decorative accessories than actual sleeping gear anyway. Who needs a dull, boring bag of mindless memory foam when you can hug and drool on the innocent face of a bear-baby full of beanies?

Also I don’t 'cotton' to pillows in the shape of tubes, cubes, trapezoids or triangles. Everyone should know by now that OFFICIAL pillows are supposed to ONLY be made into rectangles. And while you’re at it, why not clip off all of those annoying dreadlock tasseled p-cases too. Do you know how many times I’ve awakened with one of those floppy fur-worms stuck in my ear, nose, and lesser used orifices? 

Gee have I finally found the one REAL change that government regulation could do to truly help voters in both the ‘Groggy’ and ‘Slobbery’ parties, along with the rest of our nation’s mindless dwarves? Yep, most 99% squares like me just want our snowy white, flat, and 'plain-jane' pillows so that we can actually SLEEP on them - not just show them off to overstuffed 1% airbags! Too bad that even if my populist law ever passed it would never see the light of day. Everyone knows that when it comes to bloated and pillowy legislation, this law would surely have a  ‘SUNSET’ provision!