Thursday, March 14, 2013

Ring Top Pop

When I was a kid only stuff that you knew what it was made of like Fido-food and Spam in a can came with pull tab tops. Even then the Spam required a KEY to unfurl its gastrointestinal goodness, whereas I could eat the dog food directly from the container. Now, it seems that most everything destined to pack in-between my portly pants and paltry pantry should start a productive life with some kind of  easy zip, ring, or pop of a tinny top. 

So then who’s the genius who decided to put a submarine-strength gasket on my refrigerator door which requires a pry bar to open and a screw gun to close? I’m tired of trying every morning to figure out which way to untwist the bread bag or how to crack-up a humorless egg at the crack of dawn. In this day and age of technology and consumer bliss, why can’t my fridge full of chickens just squirt scrambled eggs directly on my plate without all the hassle of that shell, carton and other time-wasting middlemen?  

Also we need to let the aspirin folks know that those ‘child proof’ caps are really a misnomer and should actually be described as ‘Doctor-proof‘ instead, since to open one you need a lot of PATIENCE and a PHD. I don’t think I need to be laid ‘BAYER’ by drug companies and suffer a daily reminder that I am both an IMPATIENT and moronic CHILD, so I simply smash the vials and transfer the meds to a more kid-friendly dispenser. Yes there is nothing quite like the joy of quickly jerking back the head of an obnoxious movie star or two-faced politician, to disgorge pain relief from a PEZ-pen topped-off with Tylenol.

My big ‘head-hole’ full of Fiddle Faddle and spittle says that ‘society should summarily shun oh’-so-slow shoelaces and shucking clams too’. This would shrewdly influence shirking shopkeepers to stipulate swift zippers on all slippers, shoes and shellfish. Yes, all things in life should be as easy to get into as my geezer pleaser Velcro loafers and buffet-stretched n’ breezy, fleecy breeches. Be careful though and don’t yank up quick on that ring in my nose . . . or people might find out what really makes me tick!