Given the spherical similarity of my white knobby noggin
and the fact that my forehead is covered in dimples rather than hair, leads
most to assume that I am a golf natural. No, like all club-duffer tweens with dreams,
my parents sent me to learn the game from a Mini Golf PRO - but I never knew what he was FORE? That’s
because after a lot of time wielding clubs, getting teed off, and slicing balls
faster than you can say ‘Eunuch’, I still remained a green teen golfer and that
golf pro was still a DWARF.
I’m lying of course since the truth is I rarely
write sitting up and I was a far better golfer at 12 than I am now since it’s
half past six. Of course even then I left my mark on more than a few trees and
mobile homes whether or not I was donning a poorly executed tee shot or a
condemned New York Big Gulp. Still my lack
of skill proved handy years later as I applied my ‘time value of money’ big-biz
acumen – if you pay $60 for golf, try to
take as many shots as possible to get your money’s worth!
I also went on to teach my inspiring golf knowledge to
the local senior high school women’s team where I could speak of ‘foursomes’
and ‘gimmes’ without going to jail. Honestly who came up with some of these
backward golf terms anyway? I think most non-golfer folks would happily go for Air
Force ‘bogies’ all day long but might be a tad upset if you shot birdies and eagles for fun.
Also isn’t ‘PUTT-y’ that stuff you spackle your day-old drywall with and
getting ‘teed off’ usually happens when the stuff dries out too quickly and you
‘can’t believe it’s not PUTTIER’.
Obviously I have never taken the links very
seriously unless they are wrapped in pancakes, which is a good idea when you’re a ‘golfy goof’
and prefer your SAND WEDGE with ham or turkey and NO mayo. Nobody trusts these
golf fanatics anyway because who on earth has ever been to the beach and still believes
combining sand with a wedgie was ever a smart idea? I think there’s still room
for a ‘water ball’ hacker like me to infuse the sport though, since I always look
forward to a perfectly steeped cup of chamomile at ‘TEE’ time!
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