Given the spherical similarity of my white knobby noggin and the fact that my forehead is covered in dimples rather than hair, leads most to assume that I am a golf natural. No, like all club-duffer tweens with dreams, my parents sent me to learn the game from a Mini Golf PRO - but I never knew what he was FORE? That’s because after a lot of time wielding clubs, getting teed off, and slicing balls faster than you can say ‘Eunuch’, I still remained a green teen golfer and that golf pro was still a DWARF.
I’m lying of course since the truth is I rarely write sitting up and I was a far better golfer at 12 than I am now since it’s half past six. Of course even then I left my mark on more than a few trees and mobile homes whether or not I was donning a poorly executed tee shot or a condemned New York Big Gulp. Still my lack of skill proved handy years later as I applied my ‘time value of money’ big-biz acumen – if you pay $60 for golf, try to take as many shots as possible to get your money’s worth!
I also went on to teach my inspiring golf knowledge to the local senior high school women’s team where I could speak of ‘foursomes’ and ‘gimmes’ without going to jail. Honestly who came up with some of these backward golf terms anyway? I think most non-golfer folks would happily go for Air Force ‘bogies’ all day long but might be a tad upset if you shot birdies and eagles for fun. Also isn’t ‘PUTT-y’ that stuff you spackle your day-old drywall with and getting ‘teed off’ usually happens when the stuff dries out too quickly and you ‘can’t believe it’s not PUTTIER’.
Obviously I have never taken the links very seriously unless they are wrapped in pancakes, which is a good idea when you’re a ‘golfy goof’ and prefer your SAND WEDGE with ham or turkey and NO mayo. Nobody trusts these golf fanatics anyway because who on earth has ever been to the beach and still believes combining sand with a wedgie was ever a smart idea? I think there’s still room for a ‘water ball’ hacker like me to infuse the sport though, since I always look forward to a perfectly steeped cup of chamomile at ‘TEE’ time!