Despite the gelatinous albumen which stuffs the skull upon my
shoulders, I prefer all other fragile eggs in my life to be a little less
viscous and fertile, yet heated even harder to a perfect boil. I know some
folks like yolks as wet as water, but for me that gooey blob makes me sob as it
dampens my spirit as well as my toast. So you can go roe roe roe your boat FAR
away and keep your caviar in the car ‘cause no lips of mine find briny slime at
all sublime.
Being married for eons means I don’t mix with fresh chicks when
I am hungry, so I have been forced to stock up on powdered eggs from apparently
mummified dried up featherless fowl. That means my daily diet is limited to ‘Egg
Foo Old’ and my pancakes don’t rise quite as high that of decadent dudes destined
for Dennys . I don’t mind using the dehydrated dust for baking or just juicing
up a ‘Julius’ but believe me the stuff is no joy to juggle and a lot less fun
to throw than the wet ovoid others egged-out of a penned hen.
These days is it me or have all barn birds joined a union to
just cough and drop a lot smaller and smaller squat-offerings while still asking
for MORE chicken feed as minimum wage? Even
their extra large chicky egg efforts seem still a tad tiny and don’t anoint my
toast points like they used to. If these haughty hens want more scratch for
what they hatch, then they had better start delivering more double A jumbos instead
of those B grade yolk jokes which usually grace my plates.
I wonder why grocery chains have not crossed the road and
tossed a laudatory nod to the slightly odd yet largely untapped and uncracked venture
market for a GREAT chicken egg substitute. Can’t somebody just ‘cluck’ their fingers and talk shop with
a down-on-their-luck ostrich, or coax a few quarts of nog grog from an alcoholic
emu or slew, to produce a carton or two of up-sized eggies in fridge-friendly lumber-jack packs? Only then could I honestly tell my Doc I’m in
control of my cholesterol by eating a ONE Egg breakfast - though regardless of
size, it had better be cooked to a tough rubber McMuffin instead of a drippy
dropped Dumpty!
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