Being a fun guy like
me can be a tad risky around here since all of our bathrooms are stocked with
antibacterial soap, alcohol wipes, and highly polished mirrors. Who really
wants to wake up first thing in the morning to sniff n’ see a wild-haired colorless
monad staring back at you, so my wife arms herself with a cross and a bottle of
Febreeze. At least for now the shock is tempered since I still grin with most
of my real teeth and any that are missing were replaced long ago with caramel popcorn
hulls for a near perfect Hillbilly smile.
Oh sure I could employ some industrial waterproof adhesive
or pasty Pomade to do something about my perpetually sweaty bed-headed cowlick coiffure. I could also probably find a toga
or two-a to wear that is wholly hole-free, or at the very least made crease-less
by a hot rock to hide my wrinkled wide hide. True I guess too, I could hose off
a little more often and try to embrace the grace of society’s commercialized perfumery
rather than gag violently at its long-lingering stench in excess of my own.
Actually for most folks repulsion is something they avoid
like the plague but for me, similar to a skunk’s self defenses, I like to
wallow in my own scent of imperfections and unique wafts of flaws. What better
way to fend off people who desire to engage me in the mall or while shopping
for a warehouse barrel of Beano at the club discount store? As a rule on the
rare occasion I do venture out among the living it isn’t to talk to strangers
but rather to restock the bunker, or treat my spouse to a luxuriously erudite dining
flight of faire from our local sticky-floor Mickey D’s to share.
So that bedraggled bed-wetted n’ walking dead headed homeless-looking
dude you shun while you shop isn’t always as bad off as you think. Those
unlaced shoes and that matted thatch all may be clues to a ruse that they live
by their own rules; and society’s playbook which most of us see is simply not up
to their cup of pee. Anyway since it’s
cold outside, take solace and know that at least in my case, few plumes of
fumes that surround will wreak - ‘cause that’s
just excess self eSTEAM I leak.
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