Though many would class me as a square by nature I have
never been fond of foyers or family rooms full of framed photographs featuring my
offsprang and extended hillbilly
relatives. I have precious little hanging space as it is in this canary cage so
why would I want to mess up my cell’s perfect white padding with a bunch of nail
holes to show off moles, trolls, and lost souls? Anyway it is important not to
scare away unprepared guests with sickening crime scene photos of cracks ON the
wall before they are juiced with a jug of Visine and at least a sleeve or three
of Dramamine.
As a matter of fact I hate oval frames or memorialized
montage photo collections too especially if they are of ME, captured and
preserved under glass mounted conspicuously for all to see. Who needs hallways filled
with unrealistic representations of their kids when they smelled almost good and their faces were
crease-less and mostly grease-free. No outsider really wants to suffer through
anyone’s shrine to a perfect wedding
where all of your friends look thin and the only crows feet to be found were
actually on the rows of crows in the background as a Hitchcock omen of things
to come.
I don’t think it’s that I am camera shy since even now as a
graying ghost, I’m still willing to mug freely and be even more transparent and
unappealing than I already am. Yes I admit it, I purposely tousle my tresses with
intentions to impress-less, and cleverly forever-ly, never look my best-est. It’s probably just my subconscious
defenses fending off the photogenically insane, from infecting me with desire for
dull glossies to frame of irrelevant relatives and faces mundane.
So stuff your soft-filtered Lifetouch and uppity Olan Mills,
‘cause grouchy gazers of my ilk have had all their frames filled. Keep
portraits hidden under fat flaps and between covers of books; cram them in locked
albums, dark recesses, crannies and nooks. And please . . . extra caution from fast
slaps is well advised; as an indignity penalty for any lasting, nasty snap framing,
of pink baby backsides!
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