Thursday, January 22, 2015

Frame n’ Complain

Though many would class me as a square by nature I have never been fond of foyers or family rooms full of framed photographs featuring my offsprang and extended hillbilly relatives. I have precious little hanging space as it is in this canary cage so why would I want to mess up my cell’s perfect white padding with a bunch of nail holes to show off moles, trolls, and lost souls? Anyway it is important not to scare away unprepared guests with sickening crime scene photos of cracks ON the wall before they are juiced with a jug of Visine and at least a sleeve or three of Dramamine.

As a matter of fact I hate oval frames or memorialized montage photo collections too especially if they are of ME, captured and preserved under glass mounted conspicuously for all to see. Who needs hallways filled with unrealistic representations of their kids when they smelled almost good and their faces were crease-less and mostly grease-free. No outsider really wants to suffer through anyone’s shrine to a perfect wedding where all of your friends look thin and the only crows feet to be found were actually on the rows of crows in the background as a Hitchcock omen of things to come.

I don’t think it’s that I am camera shy since even now as a graying ghost, I’m still willing to mug freely and be even more transparent and unappealing than I already am. Yes I admit it, I purposely tousle my tresses with intentions to impress-less, and cleverly forever-ly, never look my best-est. It’s probably just my subconscious defenses fending off the photogenically insane, from infecting me with desire for dull glossies to frame of irrelevant relatives and faces mundane.

So stuff your soft-filtered Lifetouch and uppity Olan Mills, ‘cause grouchy gazers of my ilk have had all their frames filled. Keep portraits hidden under fat flaps and between covers of books; cram them in locked albums, dark recesses, crannies and nooks. And please . . . extra caution from fast slaps is well advised; as an indignity penalty for any lasting, nasty snap framing, of pink baby backsides!

1 comment:

  1. You never hear of anyone being framed for something good, like shoveling the sidewalk.